What Can I Do About Emotional Abuse in my Marriage?
Some people don’t like to admit that they are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Others recognise that their partners’ actions are abusive, but they are uncertain about what they can do about it.
In this blog, our Northwest divorce solicitors look at what you can do about emotional abuse in your marriage.
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What is emotional abuse?
Even family lawyers find it difficult to define emotional abuse. Unlike physical violence, there is no unmistakable slap mark, bruise or fracture. The effects of emotional abuse are subtle, but they can be as damaging as physical abuse.
Emotional abuse is the exertion of control through the manipulation of emotions. It isn’t typically a one-off experience; it’s usually a slow and invidious process until you reach the point where you no longer have the strength to recognise the behaviour as abusive, the ability to call out the abuse or leave the relationship.
Sometimes it can take seeing your partner start the same pattern of emotional abuse with your child to trigger the decision to do something about the abuse in your relationship.
Emotional abuse is best described by the actions it involves:
- Constantly belittling you.
- Controlling your actions.
- Restricting access to friends and family.
Examples of emotional abuse in a marriage
When friends or relatives see your spouse as loving and attentive, it can be hard to explain that there is another side to the relationship. The best way for family members and others to understand why you need help is to give examples of the emotional abuse, such as:
- Being told you are a fool or stupid.
- Questioning your sanity if you disagree with them.
- Controlling what you can wear or eat.
- Restricting access to family or friends.
- Telling you that their behaviour and their control over what you can do is for your own good.
Emotional abusers can temper their control and abuse with gifts and kind words, thus presenting to the world as a caring spouse and giving you hope that they have changed or making you think that they can’t help their behaviour because they love you so much. This type of abuse is so subtle and powerful that people from all walks of life can find themselves caught up in an abusive relationship and not know how to get help.
Getting help with emotional abuse in a marriage
If you have experienced emotional abuse during your marriage, then speaking to a family law solicitor is a good starting point. A family lawyer will not tell you to get divorced. The solicitor will listen and then explain your rights and options. Your options may include:
- Couple counselling.
- Individual therapy.
- A trial separation.
- Applying for a non-molestation order or occupation order.
- Starting no-fault divorce proceedings.
The option that is right for you and your children will depend on whether you think counselling will work, or the extent of the abuse, or its impact on your children. A lawyer can give you information on financial settlements and likely parenting arrangements after a separation or divorce to help you make an informed decision on what action to take.
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Injunctions and emotional abuse
People often say they do not think they can apply for an injunction order because they do not see themselves as a victim of domestic abuse, or do not think they would be believed.
Sadly, for many husbands and wives, their spouse’s emotional abuse can become part of their daily life, so they become inured to it. Often, it is when their partner’s behaviour has turned on the children that the behaviour is seen for what it is: emotional abuse.
If you have experienced any form of abuse, you may be able to apply for a non-molestation order or an occupation order. A non-molestation order says that your partner must not abuse you. The injunction can be enforced if it is breached. An occupation order allows you to live at the family home until the family court decides whether the property should be sold or transferred to you or to your spouse.
Depending on the level of abuse and other factors, the court may allow your spouse to live at the family home with you until it makes a financial court order, or the court could grant you an occupation order and make an ouster order to oust your spouse from the property temporarily until a long-term decision is made about how your assets will be divided between you.
Divorce proceedings and emotional abuse
Some people feel stuck in their marriage because they do not think that they can get divorced unless their spouse will accept that he or she committed adultery or they have evidence of their spouse’s unreasonable behaviour. This is no longer the case.
Fault is no longer central to divorce proceedings in the English family court. With the introduction of no-fault divorce proceedings, you no longer have to state in the divorce application that your spouse behaved unreasonably and cite emotional abuse or other forms of domestic abuse, or say that your spouse had an affair. Instead, you can apply for a divorce if you think your marriage has irretrievably broken down. Your spouse’s opinion on the state of your marriage doesn’t matter, as it is your opinion that counts.
Your spouse cannot object or defend the divorce proceedings on the basis that they don’t want a divorce, and there is no requirement to explain the reasons for the marriage breakdown in the divorce application.
Although a spouse has very limited grounds to oppose a divorce, an emotionally abusive spouse can try to stop you from starting divorce proceedings by threatening to apply for custody or full-time care of the children or by saying that you are financially tied to them because if you divorce you won’t find their assets or you won’t get anything as the judge will let them stay in the family home and care for the children. Advice from a family lawyer can help you understand the law and your rights.
Family law advice and emotional abuse
Family law solicitors say it is important to take time to reflect on your partner’s behaviour and to assess whether what you have experienced is emotional abuse. You then need to consider if there is any realistic prospect of your spouse recognising their behaviour as abusive and doing something to change their behaviour.
An experienced and understanding family law solicitor will talk you through your options. Importantly, they won’t try to control your decisions or tell you what you must do. However, they can guide and support you, whether you choose to stay with your partner or decide that separation or divorce is the best option for you and your family.
