Leaving an Abusive Partner
It is difficult making the decision to leave a husband, wife or partner. People often think that the decision to separate is easy if you are leaving an abusive partner as ending the relationship is the ‘obvious’ thing to do. As a Cheshire divorce solicitor witnessing and helping those involved in abusive relationships, I know that it is no easier to leave an abusive partner than it is to leave a caring and kind partner that you have drifted apart from. Any separation or divorce is a painful process but it can be particularly difficult when you are leaving an abusive partner. That’s why it helps if your divorce solicitor has experience of helping others separate from abusive partners.
How do you leave an abusive partner?
You may think the answer to the question ‘how do you leave an abusive partner?’ is obvious – you just get up and leave. However Cheshire divorce solicitors who work with people in abusive relationships know that it isn’t as easy as that.
If you are in an abusive relationship it is particularly important to plan your departure to make sure you and your children are safe. Here are our tips on leaving an abusive partner:
Get help and support – the support can be from friends, family, your doctor or counsellor, the police, domestic violence agency or other source. Without help you might be tempted to think that your partner has changed and that it is safe to go back or want to go back to the property on your own to pick up extra possessions or to meet your partner to hand the children over for contact;
Have an escape plan – if you are leaving a partner it is normal to discuss why the relationship hasn’t worked out and why you are either leaving or want them to go. If you are leaving an abusive partner it may not be safe to have that discussion and you may therefore either need to leave without telling them about your plans or where you are going. You may not have to leave the family home if you can get injunction orders to protect you;
Be practical – most people with abusive personalities are wily characters. If you are making phone calls or using the internet or you or the children are posting things on Facebook, think about whether your abusive partner will be able to trace you from those activities. If you are planning on leaving think what you will need to take with you so you don’t have to return to collect essential items. If the children are in school make sure teachers know why you may need to collect the children early or arrange for someone else to do so;
Protect yourself – if you are at immediate risk then don’t follow any escape plan but get immediate help from the police. If you are not at immediate risk but are worried about your safety then speak to a Cheshire divorce solicitor about getting emergency injunction orders (called non-molestation and occupation orders) or children orders (called child arrangements orders or prohibited steps orders) to safeguard your children if you are concerned about the risk of child abduction;
Take legal advice – ideally you should take legal advice before you leave an abusive partner so that you know where you stand legally and whether, for example, you can make them leave the family home , if you can change the locks or stop contact or get interim financial support;
Be strong – you probably think that you are not strong enough to leave or to withstand the pressure from your partner to return or their attempts to find you and exact revenge because you left. An honest Cheshire divorce solicitor will tell you that leaving isn’t the easy option and that you therefore need to be strong to get through leaving an abusive partner and to make sure you have the help and support you need to get through it.
Is my partner abusive?
You may think that the question ‘Is my partner abusive?’ should have a straight forward answer. However, Cheshire divorce solicitors will tell you that it isn’t uncommon for those leaving abusive relationships to not recognise their partner’s behaviour as abuse. That can be for a variety of reasons such as:
They understandably don’t want to be seen as a victim of abuse and so minimise their partner’s behaviour;
They have a very narrow view of what amounts to abusive behaviour because they don’t see psychological abuse or coercive and controlling behaviour as abusive;
They have been coached into thinking that their partner’s behaviour is normal or that it only occurs because of their unreasonable demands;
Their partner isn’t abusive to the children so it must be their behaviour that is at fault and not that of their partner.
Most Cheshire divorce solicitors understand why the abuse isn’t recognised as abuse during the relationship and therefore why it is so hard to recognise the behaviour as abuse when you are separating. After all, if you have been told repeatedly that it is you that is ‘mental’ or the one with the ‘problem’, it is all too easy to get sucked into believing that the abuse is only because your partner cares about you.
The definition of what amounts to abuse in a relationship is very wide. Nowadays courts and divorce lawyers recognise that abuse in a relationship isn’t limited to physical assaults but includes:
Verbal and emotional abuse, such as belittling you or telling you that you are mentally unwell or not a fit parent;
Financial control, such as withholding money from you so you are reliant on your partner;
Intimidation and mind games, such as telling you that they will kill themselves or leave their job so you will end up with nothing but guilt if you leave;
Exercising coercion and control, such as not letting you see your family or being unwilling to let you go out to work or to have a bank account in your own name.
There are numerous examples of what amounts to abusive behaviour in a relationship. Sometimes it takes talking to a friend, counsellor or a Cheshire divorce solicitor about your relationship to recognise the behaviour for what it is and to start to acknowledge the physical and emotional impact of your partner’s abusive behaviour on you.
Leaving an abusive partner
If you are contemplating leaving an abusive partner the number one priority is to make sure that you are safe and are empowered to do so. It is stressful leaving any relationship but if your partner is abusive the physical departure can be a dangerous trigger point unless handled carefully. Just as importantly, if you have been in an abusive relationship for a long time it can be easy to succumb to promises of change or being told that you can't leave because you won't be able to take the children with you or you won't get a penny.
It can feel as if there is no escape from an abusive partner but that isn’t the case. With the right emotional and legal support you can leave an abusive partner safely and rebuild your life.
Getting help with an abusive partner
When you live with an abusive partner it is hard to reach out and ask for help. That can be down to feelings of embarrassment or because you love your partner and want to stay in the relationship but just want the abuse to stop. Cheshire divorce solicitors find it is often the case that those in abusive relationships are too frightened to speak out and ask for help as they fear what will happen if they do. That is totally understandable as the last thing that you or they want is for your situation to be any worse than it is.
One thing that a solicitor can promise you is that if you seek help from them then what you say is totally confidential. The fact that you have taken advice from a solicitor and the advice information given won't be disclosed to anyone, unless you give your permission to do so.
If you are worried about seeing a divorce solicitor then you are welcome to come to a meeting to discuss leaving an abusive partner with a friend or member of your family. They can help give you the courage to leave, but remember that whilst friends and family can offer emotional and practical support, the decision to leave has to come from you.
If you don’t have friends or family to support you (or would be worried about things getting back to your partner) there are many supportive organisations and charities who are there to help with information and advice as well as individuals , such as your GP or a counsellor , who can support you in your decision to leave your abusive partner.
Divorcing an abusive partner
If your husband or wife is an abusive partner then a Cheshire divorce solicitor will tell you that you will have the grounds to start divorce proceedings on the basis of unreasonable behaviour. Allegations of unreasonable behaviour don’t have to include physical violence but can also include behaviour such as:
Belittling you in front of your family; or
Not being willing to let you see your friends; or
Criticising your actions and telling you that you are stupid.
If you are dealing with an abusive husband or wife you will need a Cheshire divorce solicitor who can stand up to your partner, make sure that you and your children get the legal protection you need , but who will also ensure that your voice is heard and help you make your own decisions about what you want.
Children and leaving an abusive partner
It isn’t unusual for Cheshire divorce solicitors to be told that someone has stayed in an abusive relationship for years ‘for the sake of the children’. That can be down to a whole variety of factors, such as:
Your abusive partner has told you that they will get custody of the children and they won't let you see the children because they will turn the children against you;
You think that you would have to leave the family home and you are worried that this will affect the children ;
The children love their other parent and you don’t want them to grow up in a single parent family;
The timing to separate isn’t right because of a child’s exams or the start of primary or secondary school.
Cheshire divorce solicitors will tell you that all the research into children and separation and divorce shows that:
Children are remarkably resilient;
More often than not children know when there is something wrong with their parent’s relationship. Although the children may not have seen any domestic violence or physical assaults, because you have protected them, they can still pick up on the vibe in the household and be emotionally affected by it;
Children prefer to live in two households rather than have their parents living together but in an abusive relationship with a toxic atmosphere.
It is natural to feel very anxious about childcare arrangements if you are planning to leave an abusive partner. The first priority is to ensure that you and the children are safe from any domestic violence (or the children witnessing it) so injunction applications can be made to safeguard you and the children. In addition you can apply for a child arrangements order. In an emergency a child arrangements order can be made quickly to protect the children. A child arrangements order can:
Say the children should live with you – on a short term or long term basis;
Set out if the children should see your partner, and if so, whether the contact visits should take place in a supervised setting (for example at a contact centre or in the presence of a member of your family or a trusted friend) and spell out the safe handover and collection arrangements.
If you and your abusive partner have to go to court to sort out the child care arrangements it is important that:
Your husband or wife's abusive behaviour and its impact on you and the children is explained by your solicitor as part of the court process; and
The court looks at whether a finding of fact hearing is needed to decide on the domestic abuse allegations before it makes orders under the Children Act.
If a finding of abuse is made then the court should only make a child arrangements order and contact with the abusive parent if the court believes that the physical and emotional safety of you and your children can be protected before, during and after the contact.
Many divorcing partners are adamant that they want their children to see their other parent, notwithstanding the fact that there has been abuse within the relationship. That is because they want their children to have a relationship with both parents. If you are satisfied that the children will be safe during contact then it is then essential to ensure that you are also safe during the handover of the children for contact. For example, you may not want your abusive partner coming to the house to collect the children but would prefer a neutral handover where there is less chance that your partner will ‘kick off’ or say anything that will upset the children.
A specialist Cheshire divorce solicitor can either represent you in court proceedings for a child arrangements order so that your children live with you, or to stop or limit contact or can help you negotiate the parenting arrangements on a short term and long term basis.
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Leaving an abusive partner and getting a financial settlement
It is natural to worry that even if you are safely able to leave an abusive partner that they will make sure that you ‘end up with nothing’. Cheshire divorce solicitors are experts in making sure that not only are you protected from an abusive partner but that you also receive a fair financial settlement and that you are not bullied or coerced into accepting less than you need or are entitled to.
Divorce solicitors can either negotiate with your ex-partner or start financial court proceedings . Whether you negotiate or start court proceedings the important thing is that you have a solicitor on your side making sure you have the information and financial disclosure orders necessary to make financial decisions and that any financial settlement is reality tested to make sure that the financial court order meets your needs and is capable of enforcement if your partner remains difficult and uncooperative.
Abusive partners tend to be bullies and don’t want or like anyone standing up to them. Courts don’t like bullies so whether you are being physically assaulted, emotionally abused or financially controlled there is help available from Cheshire divorce solicitors and the family court, for example help to:
Physically protect you – through the making of non-molestation and occupation injunction orders;
Financially protect you – through the making of child support, spousal maintenance , property and pension orders and orders to enforce compliance if your abusive partner won't comply with court orders;
Protect the family – through child arrangements orders to ensure your children are safe.
Evolve Family Law solicitors are approachable and friendly. We provide the expert divorce, children and financial settlement advice that you need when you are separating from an abusive partner and need someone on your side. Contact us today and let us help you.
Louise Halford
Jan 20, 2020
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14 minute read
Do I have to Share my Pension if I Divorce?
When it comes to pension rights and answering the question ‘do I have to share my pension if I divorce,’ the frustrating response to hear from a Manchester divorce solicitor is that there isn’t a yes or no answer to your pension rights question. In this blog we look at just how complicated it can be to unravel pension rights on divorce and answer some of the common questions that are raised by husbands or wives worried about the thought of having to share their pension on divorce.
Pension and divorce experts
Our Manchester divorce solicitors are often told by husbands or wives that their pension can't be shared on the breakdown of their relationship for a whole variety of reasons including:
The pension can't be touched until I retire so can't be shared now
The pension was started before the marriage
The pension is linked to the family business
You can't share a final salary pension on divorce
The pension isn’t valuable enough to share on divorce
My employer won't let me share my work pension on divorce
Pensions can't be shared if you are in a civil partnership and not married.
All of those are wrong! If you start off on ‘the wrong foot’ with misinformation about pension rights on divorce it is very easy to either:
Believe your pension can't be touched and therefore be unwilling to negotiate on pension rights and divorce
Assume that your husband or wife's pension can't be worth much and is incapable of being divided or shared until you both reach retirement age.
To avoid reaching fixed views on pension rights and divorce it is best to take early legal advice from Manchester divorce solicitors and financial advice so you know where you stand legally and financially. Early advice means neither of you should have entrenched pension positions and be more open to negotiating a financial settlement that may or may not involve sharing pensions.
Joint pensions
Many husband and wife's assume that their pension is a joint pension with their spouse. A Manchester divorce solicitor or financial advisor will tell you that a pension is only legally owned by one party so technically the pension will belong to you or to your spouse. Even though you may or may not own the pension, on divorce most pensions are capable of being shared so that the non-owning husband or wife gets a share of the pension.
Pensions can be a complex topic as there are so many different types of pension. You may be adamant that your pension is joint with your husband or wife because:
You are both shareholders and company directors in a family business and have a pension linked to the business
You both set up private pension schemes at the same time
You have property or land owned in a pension fund.
No pension is a jointly legally owned asset. Even if you and your spouse both have funds in a SIPP or own a business property within a pension fund you will both have individual shares in the pension pot.
Although pensions are not joint assets because they are not legally owned by both of you they will normally be taken into account in any divorce financial settlement and can be shared or the pension value offset against the value of other family assets.
Are pensions ever ignored in divorce financial settlements?
In most separations and divorces pensions are not ignored in the divorce financial settlement. That is because the pension is often the most valuable asset after the equity in the family home.
There are a few limited family scenarios where the value of the pension won't feature highly, for example:
A young couple with no children
A very short marriage with no prior period of cohabitation before marriage and no children
A marriage where the husband and wife agreed to ignore the value of pension assets if they separated or divorced by signing a prenuptial agreement or a postnuptial agreement. This is OK if the terms of the prenuptial agreement or postnuptial agreement meets the needs of the husband and wife.
Are pensions always shared equally?
Pension assets may not be shared at all, for example, you may agree or the family court may order that one of you gets a bigger share of other assets, such as the equity in the family home or savings.
If you do agree to a pension share or the financial court order includes a pension sharing order then your husband or wife could get a percentage from one to a hundred percent of your pension fund.
The court is more likely to make a financial court order that includes pension sharing where:
The value of the pension funds makes it worthwhile to share the pension. If the pension only has a small value then the administrative costs of sharing the pension may not be justified
There are sufficient assets to not require one of you to need to receive all or the majority of the equity in the family home to rehouse yourself and to offset the value of the pension.
Even if you and your spouse or the family court orders that a pension is split equally between husband and wife that doesn’t necessarily mean that you will both get the same amount of pension income from your equal share of the pension fund. The pension income differential can be down to age or gender. That is why many Manchester divorce solicitors and family courts prefer to arrange for pensions to be shared to achieve equality of pension income on retirement rather than a straight equal division of the capital value of the pension fund.
How to value a pension in a divorce financial settlement
It is often thought by a husband or wife that valuing a pension in divorce and financial settlement proceedings is easy as you can just rely on the annual statement that pension administrators provide. Most of these annual pension statements will include what is said to be the ‘cash transfer value’ of the pension fund.
If the fund value of the pension is accurate then you may think it is a straight forward process to either agree a pension offsetting figure (the amount that one of you will receive for not getting a share of the pension) or agree the percentage of the pension share. However, the cash transfer value of a pension can be wildly inaccurate or misleading. For example, two pensions may both have a cash transfer value of £500,000. You would assume therefore that as both pensions are worth the same amount they will produce the same pension income on retirement. That’s not the case because one pension may be a final salary pension and the other a personal pension or a SIPP.
Getting expert legal advice and actuarial pension advice can be crucial in helping you:
Accurately value your pension assets
Reach a fair financial settlement.
Can I ring fence my pension and leave it out of the financial settlement?
Manchester divorce solicitors are often asked if pensions can be kept out of divorce financial settlements. Even if you both agree to ignore the value of a pension the asset still needs to be disclosed. A husband and wife are under a duty to provide full financial disclosure. Failure to give information about your pension isn’t in your interests. If you do not disclose an asset then any agreement or financial court order could potentially be overturned at a later date because of the lack of full and accurate financial disclosure.
It therefore pays to disclose the existence of all assets, including pensions, even if you and your spouse chose to ignore the value of the pension in your financial settlement negotiations.
Many husband's and wife's struggle with the idea that the value of their pension may not be ignored in the financial settlement, even though:
They started the pension before the marriage and all the pension contributions were made prior to the marriage
Their pension is in payment
Their spouse is in a new relationship and so they don’t think that he/she needs a share of their pension
They signed a prenuptial agreement to say that the value of a pension would be ignored.
Whilst all of the above point are very valid, a family court looks at a range of factors when deciding whether or not to make a pension sharing order as part of a financial settlement. For example, the court will look at both a husband's and wife's needs including pension income needs but will also factor in the length of your marriage, your ages and any pre-marriage contributions or wealth and the existence of any prenuptial agreement or postnuptial agreement.
When is a pension shared?
Many husband's and wife's are very keen to avoid a financial settlement that includes a pension sharing order because they mistakenly believe that their spouse will continue to receive the benefit of their hard work and ongoing pension contributions and pension growth from the date of the financial settlement until eventual retirement and pension draw down. That isn’t the case.
If you agree to your pension being shared or the court makes a pension sharing order after a contested financial settlement court hearing then:
The pension sharing order will be implemented after the pension administrators receive the financial court order, pension sharing order annex and the decree absolute of divorce. The pension administrator has four months from receipt of the relevant paperwork to implement the pension sharing order
Once the pension sharing order has been implemented there will be two separate pension pots (assuming there isn’t a one hundred percent pension sharing order) and any future pension contributions made by you after the order has been implemented will be credited against your pension pot and you will get the benefit of all the pension and investment growth in your pension pot
In most cases you will be able to decide when to take your pension completely independently of when your former husband or wife choses to retire and get the pension income from their share of the pension. The position is more complicated if your pension pot consists of property and is a Self-invested pension plans (SIPPs) or is a Small self-administered schemes (SSASs). It is also sensible to take detailed advice about the earliest date you will be able to take the pension income as the pension rules may be different for you and your former spouse and it is best to be fully informed before agreeing to a pension sharing order.
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Should I pension share or pension offset?
The question of whether you should pension share or offset is really down to your priorities. However, if you are not able to reach a financial settlement with your husband or wife by agreement then the decision over whether to pension share or pension offset may be taken out of your hands as a family judge will decide how your assets , including pensions, should be divided.
If you agree to a pension offset then the value of the pension is offset against other assets owned jointly or individually. This may be vital to you if your priority is to stay in the family home or to keep your shareholding in the family business or family farm. Equally, it can be short sighted to ‘put all your eggs in one basket’ and just get equity in the family home rather than a share of your spouse’s pension.
You may think that, in time, you can downsize and get money out of the family home to fund your retirement. However, the cash from the sale of a family home may not generate anywhere near as much in pension income as a share in your spouse’s final salary pension scheme would have.
Alternatively, you may be adamant that you want to keep one hundred percent of your pension because you realise just how valuable your National Health Service, police, fire service or final salary pension is in comparison to the income you could realistically generate from the pension offsetting figure. However, you may benefit from reality testing your plan to keep all your pension and get less or no equity from the family home as that may mean you struggle to rehouse yourself so you are asset poor and pension rich. All very well for the future, but does it mean you will have a tough time of it until your hoped for retirement and is it worth it?
When it comes to pensions and divorce financial settlements there are always choices to be made, from how you value the pension to whether you share or offset the pension. Taking expert legal advice from Manchester divorce solicitors can help you make informed choices, looking at the short and long term needs of you and your family.
Whitefield based Evolve Family Law solicitors are approachable and friendly, providing pragmatic expert divorce, pension and financial settlement solutions. Contact us today and let us help you.
Robin Charrot
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12 minute read
How do you Prepare to Separate?
It comes as a surprise to some people but we are regularly asked the question ‘how do I prepare to separate?’ It's good that we're asked, because the earlier you speak to a divorce solicitor about a planned separation the more they can help you reach an informed decision about whether or not to separate and assist you in making your separation as painless as possible.
Where to Start with Planning a Separation
The obvious place to start if you are thinking about a separation is to talk to your partner but although that seems the sensible thing to do it isn’t always the best approach because:
You may want to take legal advice before speaking to your partner as the advice on the potential child custody and financial settlement options may affect either your decision to separate or the timing of your separation;
Talking to a counsellor about your relationship difficulties may help you decide what you want to do and whether you want to suggest couple counselling or a trial separation to your partner. Alternatively counselling may confirm your decision that you want to separate or start divorce proceedings;
If your partner is abusive, has a history of hiding assets, or you are worried that if you tell your partner that you plan to leave that they may take the children or destroy sentimental precious possessions then in any of those situations talking to your partner about the separation may not be the best approach.
If you do decide to speak to your partner about a separation, then it may not come as a complete surprise to them. However, sometimes a partner has no idea about what their husband or wife is planning so they need time to accept your decision before being able to have a constructive discussion with you about the practicalities of your separation.
Talking to the Children About Your Planned Separation
Knowing when and how best to talk to the children about a planned separation is always a tough decision. Some parents think it is best not to tell the children about a planned separation until they really need to know, for example, if the house goes on the market or until divorce proceedings are started. However, waiting to talk to the children can be more unsettling to the children as they make pick up on the atmosphere in the family home or hear things from grandparents or friends but be too embarrassed or worried to talk to you about the separation.
In an ideal world, both parents should sit down together to talk to children about a separation. Don’t worry that you don’t know all the answers to questions about precise custody and contact arrangements or your future plans.
Practical Steps When Separating
Separating from a partner is very emotional but it can help to focus on practicalities such as:
The temporary living arrangements – a Manchester divorce solicitor will advise you that you should not leave the family home without first taking legal advice about whether that is the best option in your personal and financial circumstances. You could, for example, ask your partner to leave or potentially may have the grounds to start injunction proceedings if they won't leave voluntarily. If your separation is amicable then it may be possible for you to continue to live together at the family home until you reach a long term financial settlement but whether you are both staying at the family home or one of you is moving into rented accommodation or staying with family, you will need to reach an agreement on temporary financial matters and payment of bills and child support. You should not finalise any decisions about short term or long term financial arrangements until you have taken legal advice;
The parenting arrangements – the parenting arrangements for your children will very much depend on whether you are continuing to live together at the family home until you reach decisions about what should happen to the house. Sorting out the long term arrangements for the children may not be practical until you know one another’s housing plans and whether, for example, it will be feasible for mid-week contact to take place;
The financial paperwork - A Manchester divorce solicitor will tell you that you can't reach an informed financial settlement with your partner until you both know your up-to-date financial situation. That may involve finding out things like the value of the family home, the amount of the outgoings on the family home, the amount you have in savings or the value of the family business or pension. If you have a financial advisor or accountant they may have some of this information, such as an investment portfolio document or draft family business accounts.
Understand Your Separation Options
Prior to taking the decision to separate it helps to know what your separation options are and the ways in which you can reach an agreement over custody and parenting arrangements and your financial settlement.
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When it comes to separation your options are broadly:
A trial separation ;
A permanent separation. If neither one of you wants to start divorce proceedings you may want to record any agreement reached about the family home , other property and financial support in a separation agreement;
Starting divorce proceedings. Within divorce proceedings a court can be asked to make a financial court order to record the terms of any agreed financial settlement or, if you can't reach agreement, the court can decide how your assets and property should be divided and make a financial court order.
It is often assumed that if you go ahead with a separation that you and your partner will end up in court proceedings over custody of the children, who gets the family home or whether you will get a share of your spouse’s pension. However, experienced Manchester divorce solicitors say that you don’t have to end up in court. It is often possible to reach an agreement over the basis for the divorce proceedings, the custody and contact arrangements for the children and the financial settlement through taking legal advice and getting your solicitor to negotiate a parenting plan and financial settlement or advising you about your legal options during family mediation.
Taking advice on your separation can give you some of the information you need to make an informed and supported decision on whether or not to separate and how to best plan for your future.
Whitefield based Evolve Family Law solicitors offer pragmatic expert divorce, children and financial settlement solutions. Contact our expert lawyers today and let us help you.
Robin Charrot
Dec 16, 2019
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6 minute read
Divorcing a Narcissist
I have considerable experience in divorcing a narcissist. That’s because as a Cheshire divorce solicitor many people ask me for help in sorting out their separation or divorce. Some family clients tell me at our first meeting that their husband or wife has a narcissistic personality disorder. Other clients think that their husband or wife behaves unreasonably and that their spouse has some of the traits of a narcissist. Dealing with a spouse with a narcissistic personality is difficult, especially when you are trying to divorce and move on with your life. That’s why it helps if your solicitor has experience of divorcing a narcissist.
Is my spouse a narcissist?
In any blog on divorcing a narcissist, it is important to look at some of the essential traits of a narcissist to help you understand if your spouse has narcissistic personality characteristics.
The Oxford dictionary defines a narcissist as a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. Narcissists are said to have the following personality traits:
A sense of self-importance;
A sense of entitlement;
Requiring praise and attention;
Willing to exploit and use others without feeling a sense of guilt or shame;
Able to demean and belittle other people without worrying about the impact of their behaviour;
Able to live in their own fantasy world where they are the centre of attention.
Do any of those traits sound like your husband or wife? If so, you may need help from a counsellor or, if you have decided to separate or divorce, from a specialist Cheshire divorce solicitor.
Getting divorced from a narcissist
It is stressful going through a divorce, even when it is amicable. However, when your husband or wife is a narcissist it can feel as if there is no escape from your marriage. There is, but you will need support, both legal and emotional.
If you are married to someone who exhibits narcissistic traits or has a narcissistic personality disorder then you have to accept that your husband or wife won't think that they are at fault or that anything they do is wrong. It is therefore pretty futile to have direct discussions on the reasons behind why you want to get divorced in the hope that they will understand your point of view. If they are a narcissist they won't.
Any discussion about your marriage and separation will be turned by your husband or wife into a tirade on looking at the impact of what is happening on them, rather than the impact on you or the children. If you have the sort of personality that gets stressed or you know you will end up too frazzled to deal with the separation if your spouse starts to belittle you, then it may be best to leave things in the hands of your divorce solicitor. A solicitor who has experience with narcissistic personality disorders and divorce will have the strategies to be able to sort out your separation and divorce.
Divorce proceedings and narcissists
If you are married to a narcissist then you can be confident that you will have the grounds to start divorce proceedings against them. That is because, under current divorce law, you can start divorce proceedings if your marriage has irretrievably broken down and your husband or wife has behaved unreasonably.
What counts as unreasonable behaviour is the typical behaviour of a narcissist. For example:
Belittling you in front of friends or family; or
Not being willing to share household tasks; or
Prioritising themselves and their interests above anyone else , including the children; or
Not being willing to listen to you; or
Making you feel at fault, for example, by saying you are the one who is mentally ill or who is a poor parent.
Divorcing someone with a narcissistic personality disorder isn’t easy. Often they will say that the marriage hasn’t irretrievably broken down (when it clearly has) or they will deny all responsibility for their behaviour and say that they will defend the divorce proceedings. If you are dealing with a narcissist husband or wife you need a strong, no-nonsense solicitor on your side who won't get caught up in your spouse’s tirades but instead will focus on your divorce and sorting out the arrangements for the children and the financial settlement.
Getting help with a narcissist spouse
When you are separating or getting divorced from a narcissist spouse then you need all the legal and emotional support you can get. Your friends and family may not realise what you have been through and are currently coping with. That is because your spouse may present a ‘front’ to the outside world where he/ she appears charming and worried about you and your ‘breakdown’.
First and foremost there is no point in challenging what your spouse is saying to friends and family. If you do then it is only likely to fuel matters as your husband or wife won't be able to see the error of their ways as they are only able to see things from their perspective. That can be very hard for you to cope with. That’s why seeing a counsellor or therapist can really help you see the situation you are in for what it is, rather than accepting your spouse’s interpretation of events based on their fantasy world where you are the only one at fault.
Divorce and the narcissist parent
When you are divorcing a husband or wife with narcissist traits or who has a narcissistic personality disorder it is easy to feel very guilty about your children and in a quandary about what to do about childcare arrangements. Whilst your spouse is only likely to be interested in themselves, they may ask the court to order that the children live with him or her as part of their mind control games or because they know their stance will frighten you.
Whilst it can be tempting to say that a parent with a narcissistic personality disorder should not have contact with their children after the separation or divorce this may not be realistic. For example, older children may want ongoing contact with the other parent or you may need help with childcare. What’s more if you say that you do not want your child to have contact with the other parent they may raise accusations of parental alienation although all you are trying to do is to protect your child from a parent with a narcissistic personality disorder.
If you and your spouse end up in court over the childcare arrangements it is important that:
Your husband or wife's narcissistic traits are outlined neutrally; and
The impact of their behaviour on you and your children is fully explained. That is important because many of the behaviours of a narcissist amount to abuse, such as controlling or coercive behaviour.
In children court proceedings a court has to carefully consider any allegations of domestic abuse . Abuse includes emotional abuse or psychological abuse of you or the children. If a finding of abuse is made then the court should only make a child arrangements order and contact with the narcissistic parent if the court is satisfied that the physical and emotional safety of the child and the parent with whom the child lives can, as far as possible, be secured before, during and after the contact.
An experienced Cheshire divorce solicitor can put the case in children proceedings for expert reports on a parent with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits. A psychologist or other expert can be asked to report on either the parent or on the whole family and assess the impact of the narcissistic parent’s behaviour on you and the children.
Many divorcing partners are wary about labelling a narcissistic parent an ‘abuser’ but it is important to recognise that abuse isn’t just physical and the effects of coercive and controlling behaviour can be insidious on you and your children. A specialist Cheshire divorce solicitor can help you recognise that and work out childcare arrangements that best protect your children or can robustly represent you in court proceedings.
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How to get a financial settlement from a narcissist
Normally a Cheshire divorce solicitor will recommend that they negotiate with your spouse to reach a financial settlement. If your spouse is a narcissist or has a narcissistic personality disorder then the advice may be different. That’s because it can be impossible to negotiate with a narcissist as they always think they are right and can't see anyone else’s point of view, other than their own. To the narcissist it is all about their financial wants and needs and not yours or the children’s needs.
If you start financial court proceedings there is a court timetable put in place so your spouse can't delay or prevaricate and the judge can ultimately decide on what financial orders are made. No one likes to think that a judge will take control of the family finances and make a financial court order deciding whether, for example, the family home should be sold or if you should get a share of the pension or the family business. However, when you are dealing with a narcissist there may be little alternative as your spouse won't be prepared to compromise.
You may think that you know your spouse and that even if the family judge makes an order to transfer the family home into your sole name that your spouse will not sign the paperwork to do so. The court is used to dealing with spouses who won't co-operate so, if necessary, the judge can sign the property paperwork on behalf of your spouse. The court also has the power to make financial disclosure orders and to draw adverse inferences if your spouse just won't accept the authority of the court.
Narcissistic spouses like to think that they are very powerful, during the relationship and during the divorce, children and financial proceedings. That is why it is so important that you chose a divorce solicitor who won't be intimidated or fazed by your spouse’s behaviour. Instead your divorce solicitor will focus on securing your divorce and obtaining children and financial court orders that best meet yours and your children’s needs.
Evolve Family Law solicitors are approachable and friendly providing expert divorce, children and financial settlement advice with experience in handling divorces where a spouse has a narcissistic personality disorder. Contact us today and let us help you
Louise Halford
Nov 23, 2019
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9 minute read
Divorce and the Family Farm
A divorce can be traumatic but when a divorce occurs in a farming family, it can be particularly tough when the farm is not only the family business but also the family home.
In my experience as a family finance and divorce solicitor in Whitefield and Cheshire it is not uncommon for spouses to stay in unhappy relationships for fear of separating and the consequences on the family farm.
Some may question why divorce and a family farm are different to any other type of divorce. After all every divorce can be painful. However, with divorce and the family farm, often the farm has been in the family for generations. There is therefore great sentimental attachment to the farmhouse and land. Not only that, the farm is normally both the family home and the source of income for all the family, including extended family.
Adding to the complexities, the farm or some of the land could be owned by the older generation or parents may be paid an income out of farm profits as a means of providing a pension after they have transferred ownership of the family farm to a son or daughter.
Therefore, where do you start when facing the prospect of a divorce and sorting out what happens with the family farm.
In an ideal world, a farming family takes advice before handing over ownership of the family farm to a son or daughter. Often a farming family is told by a private client solicitor that it is tax efficient to transfer ownership of the farm to the younger generation to minimise the payment of inheritance tax. That is all very well but unless specialist family legal advice is taken the family may be reducing the risk of paying a big inheritance tax bill but exposing the family farm to divorce claims.
Some farmers think that if the family farm has been gifted or inherited it will automatically be ring-fenced from any financial claims on divorce. That is not the case.
Even if an asset is:
Owned in the sole name of one spouse; and
Was owned by the spouse prior to the marriage ;and
Has been in the family ownership for a long time
Divorce financial claims can be made against the asset. In a farming family, the asset in question is normally the farm and land.
When a couple get divorced all the assets they own, individually or jointly, are taken into account when negotiating a financial settlement or the court makes a financial court order.
Although the court will factor in the relevance of a family farm having been inherited or gifted by a husband or wife the court has to look at the husband and wife's needs and, most importantly, the needs of any children.
Prenuptial Agreements and the Family Farm
If a family own a farm and want to leave it as a legacy or gift to a son or daughter the best option to protect the family farm from divorce claims is for prenuptial agreements to be signed at the time of any marriage.
Although the prenuptial agreement can try to ring-fence the family farm from any financial claims in divorce, whether or not the prenuptial agreement will work fully depends on the family needs at the time of the divorce and the availability of other assets to meet divorce financial claims.
In any family situation involving a family farm, divorce solicitors recommend legal advice is taken on the benefits and potential disadvantages of a gift or transfer before the family farm is transferred to a son or daughter. Advice can then be taken on the option of a prenuptial agreement or, if they are already married a post nuptial agreement .
Divorce and the Family Farm
If you are getting divorced and one of you owns a family farm then it is particularly important that both husband and wife get expert legal advice from specialist divorce and family finance solicitors.
It is likely to be the case that the farm owner wants to keep the farm and the spouse that does not own the farm wants it to be sold to raise money to buy a house to rehome him or her. There may be mention of the land’s increased value if farm buildings or land could potentially get outline planning permission so it can be developed for housing.
In any divorce and financial proceedings, assets need to be valued. That applies just as much when the asset is a family farm. A specialist valuation will be needed to look at the value of the farm and land as well as any ‘’hope’’ value in relation to planning permission and development opportunities or the sale of part of the acreage. In addition, the value of the farm asset will depend on the income produced.
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If a farm is owned in the sole name of a husband or wife (rather than ownership being shared with parents and siblings) then it may be possible to sell part of the land or a farm building or to raise capital by mortgage to meet a husband or wife's divorce financial claims.
When it comes to a family farm and divorce, the court may view the family farm as a non-matrimonial asset and hence will not say that the value should be shared equally between the husband and wife. However, the bottom line is that a husband or wife may get an award that affects the family farm if it is the only way that their housing and other needs can be met.
When a divorce solicitor is giving legal advice to either a farmer or their spouse the aim is to achieve a financial solution that provides a home for the husband, wife, and children and ideally does not affect the continued viability of the working farm. This can require creative resolutions to secure the family farm for future generations.
For help with divorce and financial claims or prenuptial or postnuptial agreements please contact our expert family lawyers
Robin Charrot
Nov 18, 2019
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6 minute read
How Do You Remove an Executor From a Will?
If you have inherited a legacy, whether it is a part share in a house or a cash gift, you are reliant on the executors of an estate to sort out Probate , gather in the assets and then distribute the assets in accordance with the deceased’s Will.
The Executor of a Will
The executors of a Will are people chosen by the deceased to handle their Will. The executors could be family members, friends or professionals, such as a solicitor, accountant or the bank.
If the executors are friends or family of the deceased then the executors can hand over a lot of the responsibility for sorting out the deceased’s estate by instructing a probate solicitor to administer the probate and the sale of assets and the distribution of legacies to beneficiaries. Most lay people take this option as they are honouring the appointment made in the deceased’s Will but not leaving themselves open to criticisms about delays in payment of legacies or problems with securing probate.
However, a friend or family member appointed as an executor may not get on with the other executors or with the beneficiaries. The executor may say that they want to sort out the probate themselves, leaving the beneficiaries fearing there will be a delay in sorting out the estate and payment of legacies. In other situations, the deceased may have appointed a bank as his or her executor not appreciating that the bank’s charges for handling the estate may be a lot more than a local Cheshire probate solicitor. The additional administrative charges might be an issue for the beneficiaries as the costs of sorting out probate and administering the estate will be deducted from the estate before the residuary estate, after payment of any legacies, is divided between the residuary beneficiaries.
How do you Remove an Executor from a will?
If you think that an executor is not up to the job or you think that they are too slow or maybe acting improperly then a court application can be made. The court can make a wide range of orders including an order to remove an executor.
Cheshire probate solicitors normally recommend that you try to resolve the difficulties with an executor first before starting court proceedings. Sadly, that isn’t always possible and so, as a last resort, court proceedings can be started to secure an order to remove an executor.
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Avoiding Executor Problems
A good private client and Cheshire probate solicitor will discuss the choice of executors when preparing a Will. After all, it is important that the executors are not too elderly or frail to be up to the task and will be able to work with one another.
It is sometimes thought that it does not really matter who the executor is if the executors are just going to appoint a solicitor to sort out the estate for them. It is still important to choose your executors with care and to make sure that they are willing to undertake the task for you.
For assistance removing an executor or if you have any questions about probate or estate planning contact our expert family lawyers today
Chris Strogen
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3 minute read
What is a CAFCASS Report?
As a children solicitor, I hate abbreviations. I think they confuse parents and make children court proceedings seem more complicated than they really are.
If you are thinking about applying to the family court for a custody or access order (called in court language a child arrangements order ), you will come across the abbreviation ’’CAFCASS’’.
CAFCASS stands for ‘’the children and family court advisory and support service’’. I think most people would agree that is a bit of a mouthful.
A CAFCASS officer is called a variety of names, including family court reporter and CAFCASS worker or reporter. Many of the names are interchangeable, adding to parents’ confusion.
What is a CAFCASS Report?
A CAFCASS report is a report that is ordered by a family judge for use in children court proceedings.
The CAFCASS report can also be referred to as a ‘’section 7 report’’. This abbreviation relates to the section of the Children Act 1989 that authorises the production of reports.
Who Can Ask for a CAFCASS Report?
Many parents think that in all children court proceedings a CAFCASS report is prepared or that they can ask for a report. A CAFCASS report is not necessary in every children court case. Furthermore, only a family court judge can decide if a report should be obtained and how detailed the report should be.
A judge can ask that a CAFCASS report look into the children’s wishes and feelings or the judge can ask for a more detailed report asking the CAFCASS report writer to make recommendations about what he or she thinks would be best for the children.
A parent or their solicitor can ask a judge to order the preparation of a CAFCASS report at a first directions hearing of a children application. If you would like a CAFCASS report, careful representations have to be made as to why a report should be prepared.
If a judge does not follow the recommendations in a CAFCASS report, the judge has to explain why the recommendations have not been followed.
What Goes Into a CAFCASS Report?
A CAFCASS report writer will decide whom they need to speak to in order to prepare their report.
A CAFCASS report writer will speak to both parents and will normally speak to the children who are the subject of the court proceedings. A CAFCASS report writer may also speak to a nursery worker, teacher or other relevant professional.
A CAFCASS report writer will say what they think the child’s wishes and feelings are and may say what parenting arrangements would, in their opinion, be in the child’s best interests.
If facts are disputed, for example whether an incident of domestic violence took place, it is not the job of the CAFCASS report writer to decide whether the incident took place or not. That is the job of the family judge.
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How Does a CAFCASS Report Writer Interview a Child?
A CAFCASS report writer’s interview technique will depend on the age and understanding of the child and the family circumstances.
A CAFCASS report writer will not ask a child to decide between parents.
How Long Does a CAFCASS Report Take to Prepare?
The time that a CAFCASS report takes to prepare depends on what the judge asks the CAFCASS report writer to cover in the report and how busy the local CAFCASS service is.
Sometimes a judge will ask a CAFCASS report writer to prepare an interim report, for example on short-term contact arrangements until the final hearing of the children application.
On other occasions a judge may ask for a second CAFCASS report, often referred to as an ‘’addendum report’’.
Does a Judge Have to Agree with the Recommendations in a CAFCASS Report?
A judge does not have to agree with what the CAFCASS report says. However, a CAFCASS report is normally highly influential. In the vast majority of children court applications, the court will make parenting and child arrangements orders as recommended by the CAFCASS report.
For legal assistance responding to children court proceedings please contact our expert children lawyers today
Louise Halford
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4 minute read
Valuing Property in Your Divorce
If you have taken the decision to separate from a husband or wife, it is tempting to leave sorting out financial and property matters and things can drift. Alternatively, a husband or wife can rush into an agreement, often without first getting accurate or up to date valuations of property and other assets.
Which Property Should be Valued in Your Divorce?
It is assumed by a separating couple that only the family home needs to be valued as part of their separation or divorce. That is not necessarily correct, as it is important that all relevant property is valued.
What then is ‘’relevant property ’’ that should be valued? The honest answer from a Whitefield divorce solicitor is that it all depends on the individual personal and financial circumstances of a husband and wife. However, property can be relevant even if it is owned in the sole name of a husband or wife. Property does not have to be owned jointly to be relevant to divorce proceedings and form part of the family wealth and financial settlement options.
If a husband and wife are splitting up then consider valuing:
The family home ; and
Any second home or holiday home or chalet (including overseas property ) ; and
Buy to let property portfolio; and
Any property owned by a family business. This is because if the property is included in the company business accounts the company shares cannot be accurately valued unless there is an up to date valuation of the property ; and
Any property held within a pension fund, such as a SIPP. This is because the value of the pension fund cannot be accurately ascertained without an up to date value of the property held in the pension fund ; and
Property owned by a third party, for example a family member, if a husband or wife has a beneficial interest in the property.
An expert divorce solicitor will look at the financial disclosure and advise you on what property should be valued and talk to you about the best way to obtain accurate valuations. The solicitor’s advice may depend on a range of factors, for example, the length of the marriage or when a property was last valued. Sometimes an independent surveyor may have recently valued business or pension property for business related or pension administration purposes. That can mean that a further report is not necessary but careful thought should be given to the purpose of the original valuation and the reliance that can be placed upon it.
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Valuing Property in Financial Court Proceedings
The first step in reaching a financial settlement is to find out what the family home and other property and assets are worth. If property and assets are not accurately valued then the financial settlement can result in unfairness to either the husband or wife.
If a couple cannot agree on the value of a property value, a court can order a formal valuation by a surveyor who is a member of the Royal Institute of Chartered Surveyors.
Normally a family judge will say that one surveyor, jointly instructed by the husband and wife, should undertake a valuation of property for use in financial court proceedings. The main advantage of using one single joint expert is there are no conflicting opinions on a property value by different surveyors and costs do not escalate by surveyors going to court hearings to justify their different property valuations.
A single joint expert is:
Independent of both husband and wife ;
Will not of had undisclosed prior dealings with either the husband , wife or the property ; and
Not influenced by whether the property is owned jointly or by the husband or wife or jointly with a third party. This is because the expert is focussed on the value of the property and not its ownership; and
Under professional and court rules on reporting duties to ensure that the report is independent and impartial.
Specialist Whitefield divorce solicitors also recommend that you take advice on the tax implications of the sale or transfer of property so that the tax bill can be factored into the financial settlement to achieve a fair net result.
A divorcing couple can worry about the cost of getting legal advice, property valuations and tax advice. However, given the importance of knowing how much property and assets are worth before looking at the wide range of property solutions, it is always sensible to get expert advice before deciding what to do. The cost of this advice and preparing any legal documentation is tiny compared to the cost and stress involved if something goes wrong without the right valuations and documentation in place.
For legal assistance with divorce financial settlements and representation in financial court proceedings please contact our expert divorce lawyers today
Robin Charrot
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5 minute read
Can I Give Away My Inheritance?
It may seem a very odd thing to do but, in some personal and financial circumstances, the decision to give away an inheritance is the right thing to do.
Most people assume that if they have the good fortune to inherit something under a loved one’s Will or intestacy provision, they have to accept the legacy. This isn't always the case.
In an ideal world, it should not be necessary to consider giving away a legacy because the loved one would have left a Will, rather than dying intestate, or would have discussed the bequest in the Will and would have updated their Will.
However, what does happen if you receive a gift as part of an inheritance and you decide you do not want or need it? There are a number of circumstances where the beneficiary of a Will may not want to receive their inheritance, for example:
They may want to make provision for someone who has been excluded from the Will; or
They may want to give their share of the deceased’s estate to a family member who is not as financially well off as they are ; or
They may want to equalise the gifts if the testator has favoured them over other beneficiaries; or
They may wish to give all of their legacy or part of it to charity; or
They may want to make the Will tax efficient.
Deeds of Variation
In order to make changes to a Will after the death of the testator, a Deed of Variation should be drawn up.
So that the tax advantages from the Deed of Variation can be obtained, the document has to be signed and executed within two years of the date of death of the testator.
A Deed of Variation can be executed before or after the Grant of Probate or Letters of Administration (if the deceased died intestate without a Will) has been obtained. Any beneficiaries who are affected by change in Wills must agree and sign a Deed of Variation. Furthermore, all the personal representatives of the estate should also ideally sign the Deed of Variation.
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Who Can Sign a Deed of Variation?
If a beneficiary has capacity to make their own decisions then they have the authority to execute a Deed of Variation. A beneficiary under the age of eighteen cannot sign a Deed of Variation. No one else can sign a Deed of Variation on behalf of a minor child.
How Can a Deed of Variation Reduce Tax?
A Deed of Variation may be the answer if a Will has not been drawn properly to obtain the best tax treatment or the tax rules have changed. For example, executing a Deed of Variation may reduce the inheritance tax payable by:
Varying the gifts in a Will to leave money to charity. Any gift to charity does not attract an inheritance tax charge. If charities are left at least ten percent of the net estate then the estate can qualify for a reduced rate of inheritance tax of thirty-six percent, instead of forty percent;
If a husband or wife died without a Will, with children, the surviving wife, husband or civil partner will receive assets up to £250,000 and half the remainder of the estate. The other half of the estate would pass to the children. If the amount going to the children exceeds £325,000 then this will attract inheritance tax. A Deed of Variation can be signed so the entire estate passes to the surviving spouse or civil partner. If an estate passes to a surviving spouse or civil partner no inheritance tax is payable. The transferable nil-rate band can be utilised on the second death.
It pays to get legal advice on whether a Deed of Variation is a sensible option. Some may think that a Deed is unnecessary but with expert legal advice, it can save on inheritance tax and money to get a Deed of Variation drawn up.
For help preparing a Deed of Variation or drawing up a Will or estate planning please contact our expert family lawyers today
Chris Strogen
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4 minute read
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