Family Law Articles & Advice

By guest blogger Anoushka Macin of Balance Psychologies You have decided or it may have been decided for you that you no longer want to stay in a relationship that is tormenting you. Leaving a narcissistic relationship is one of the hardest things to do. In my work with clients and with my online community I provide lots of information to people who find themselves with a narcissist or toxic individual. Here is how to get out safely with your wellbeing intact.   When we fall in love it’s natural to attach and form a romantic bond, but once in love with a narcissist it is not easy to leave let alone detach from them.   Why it’s hard to break up with a narcissist Pathological narcissists or people with narcissistic traits present as charming, interesting and seductive to be around and will treat you with kindness and warmth. They may even love bomb you. This is where the dysfunctional attachment to the narcissist begins. I am not saying that it is wrong that you are being treated with kindness, charm and respect at the beginning. Of course you want to be with them but you become easily dependent on their attention and validation of you.   Once you are hooked onto this they become secure and then they aren’t motivated to be nice to you. Their charm, warmth and respect fades and is replaced or intermixed with varying degrees of criticism, demands, coldness and emotional abuse. You become accommodating and try to win their love and attention back and meanwhile your self-esteem and independence of mind are compromised. You may even become gas lighted and begin to doubt your own decisions and perceptions due to blame and lies. When you question this you become attacked, intimidated and confused by manipulation.   Over time you learn to accept the abuse or even attempt to avoid conflict and become deferential. Because facing the reality is too painful. To leave is the only option as this behavior becomes a cycle of abuse and unfortunately you are too weak and vulnerable to be able to do anything about it. You cannot save them, only yourself. Below are some tips and strategies that may help you to cope and heal after leaving a narcissistic relationship.   Go no contact - limited no contact Block them! I mean of all your communication avenues. That means phone, email and social media. You need some time to yourself to ‘breathe’ and get your thoughts in order. You are not going to be able to do that if you have constant abuse through secondary sources. The narcissist will try to contact you! You have to cut off this communication, you need some time to get your mind in order.   Now, this may not be as straight forward if there are children involved, so what I suggest here is limited contact. I feel that at the beginning of this process do go no contact but only when you are ready begin with limited contact and it needs to stay like that. So, what does limited contact look like? It will mean that you have to clarify what it is that you are communicating with the narcissist, be specific and stick to only the facts that you want to get across. Take the emotion out of the content that you are talking about, this will give you the advantage. Please know that the narcissist will use your triggers and emotions against you to trip you up and get what they want. As these interactions are about gaining power over you and controlling the  conversation, to do that they need to initiate an emotional reaction out of you and will press your buttons. Be wise to this and prepare yourself accordingly.   Join a support group It is really important at this time that you have support of people that understand and care for you. Having to explain your decisions to people who do not get it, is not good for you to be around them at the moment. You need to surround yourself with people who give you positive validation. Finding a therapist might be a good idea too.   Become more autonomous To heal and move forward from an abusive relationship it is helpful to build a life outside of the relationship that includes separate friends, hobbies and other interests. When you leave you will need a fulfilling life to supplement or replace the relationship. You will need to surround yourself with positive things that will help you to heal and remind you that there is a life outside of this person and relationship.   Build your self esteem This is very important, you will need all the strength that you need. It is important to reconnect with yourself and get to know you all over again. In relationships such as these your identity would have been compromised and diminished, therefore reconnecting to your own needs and values is important to build your inner strength. You will need to learn to become more assertive and build boundaries.   Learn how to nurture yourself This follows on from the last point of reconnecting with yourself. Learning your needs and putting them first. This is really important if you have children as you will be teaching them to value themselves and to build a robust connection to self. This is a life skill and will insulate you from the abuse.   Grieve Please allow yourself time to grieve the relationship and false future promises that were made to you in the relationship. This will help you to process your emotions and recover from the relationship. I would also urge you to find an experienced Manchester divorce solicitor who has the understanding and experience of dealing with narcissistic personalities. Mediation is not a good option where there is a history of abuse.   As long as you’re under the spell of the narcissist, they have control over you. In order to become empowered you will need to educate yourself. Come out denial and see the reality of what this really is. Information is power. Read up on narcissism and abuse, I have a lot of information on my website. Regardless of your decision, it is important for your own mental health and to redeem your autonomy and self-esteem. By guest blogger Anoushka Macin of Balance Psychologies [related_posts]

A divorce court ruling on a Sharia law marriage has called into question the validity of Sharia law marriages conducted in the UK.  You may question why that is important to you as, after all, if you celebrated an Islamic marriage ceremony, witnessed by all your friends and family that is what counts as you are married in the eyes of God. Whilst our Manchester divorce solicitors would not disagree with the significance of the marriage ceremony to you, in the English family court you may not be legally married. Your status as a husband or wife or as a cohabitee could make the difference between whether you get half the family wealth or nothing if you separate. The case of Mr Khan and Mrs Akhtar The legal status of Islamic marriage in the UK is in the news headlines again because of the long running case of Mr Khan and Mrs Akhtar. In the high court Mrs Akhtar sought a divorce from her husband, Mr Khan. He opposed the divorce petition on the basis that they weren’t legally married. Although you would have thought it obvious that they were married because the couple had participated in a Nikah ceremony in a London restaurant conducted by an Imam with about 150 guests, Mr Khan said the marriage  wasn’t legal as whilst it might be a legal marriage under Sharia law it did not meet the requirements of English marriage  law.   The first judge ruled that the marriage was a marriage but classed it as a void marriage. This decision allowed Mrs Akhtar to start financial proceedings as the wife of Mr Khan, something that she could not have done if the high court had ruled that the couple were not legally married. Although the court ruled that the marriage was still a marriage (even though it was void) back in 2018 it has taken until February 2020 for the court of appeal to hear the case and conclude that the couple were not legally married under English law.   Interestingly the appeal wasn’t brought by Mr Khan but by the Attorney General who is joined as a party to court proceedings where the validity of a marriage is called into question. The court of appeal ruling is making Manchester divorce solicitors ask where the decision leaves Mr Khan, Mrs Akhtar and their four children and, just as importantly all those other husband and wife's who have celebrated a Nikah marriage  ceremony recognised in Sharia and Islamic law but not under UK marriage  law.   Is an Islamic marriage valid in the UK? The court of appeal held that the marriage of Mr Khan and Mrs Akhter was invalid (rather than void) and therefore the Islamic marriage isn’t a legally recognised marriage, notwithstanding the 150 guests who attended to witness the marriage ceremony.   The court of appeal ruled that the Sharia law wedding wasn’t a valid marriage because the ceremony took place at a venue that isn’t registered as a wedding venue and therefore no registrar was therefore present to conduct the ceremony. Back in 2018, the high court took a different approach and ruled there was a valid marriage recognised in both Sharia law and under English case law because although the couple hadn’t complied with English marriage law requirements they both held themselves out as a married couple. The court of appeal said that this wasn’t enough as they both knew that they needed to participate in a registered civil marriage ceremony to comply with English marriage law. [related_posts] Does it matter if your Islamic marriage isn’t recognised in the UK? You may question whether it matters if your Islamic marriage isn’t recognised in the UK family law as a valid marriage because, from your perspective, it is your marriage under Sharia law that is the important ceremony to you and your family. However, if you separate and you try to start divorce proceedings you may find yourself in the same position as Mrs Akhtar; told that there is no need for English divorce proceedings because you are not legally married under English law. That means, that for the purposes of your financial settlement, in English family law you will be treated as a cohabitee or unmarried partner.   If your marriage is legally recognised then within divorce and financial proceedings a husband or wife can bring financial claims for a share of: The family home Any other property you own – this property includes houses or commercial property owned in your joint names or in your sole name Your business – your spouse does not need to hold shares in your company or to have worked in the business to be able to make a financial claim against business assets Your pension – your spouse can claim a share in your pension even if your pension was set up prior to your marriage Your savings and investments – your husband or wife can claim a share of your savings and investments even if they are owned in your sole name Your income – a claim can be made for the payment of ongoing spousal maintenance.   By contrast, if you are an unmarried partner or cohabitee you won't be able to claim: A share of your partner’s pension Spousal maintenance Any other assets unless you can prove that you are an owner of that property or that you were promised a share in the property.   If you have children with your partner you can try to claim housing provision and child support for your children but Manchester divorce solicitors say it is a lot harder to bring a financial claim if you are a cohabitee rather than a husband or wife whose legal status in recognised in English law.   What should I do if I have an Islamic marriage? If you have an Islamic marriage and you are concerned that your marriage won’t be legally recognised in English law it is best to take legal advice from a Manchester divorce solicitor. A discussion about your legal relationship status does not commit you to making any decisions and is completely confidential.   Islamic marriages and prenuptial agreements If your husband or wife does not want to participate in a legally recognised marriage ceremony because they appreciate the extent of the financial claims that can be made by a husband or wife on separation (in contrast to an unmarried partner) then one option may be to look at signing a prenuptial agreement to record a fair financial settlement should you separate at a later date. It is vital that you take expert legal advice before committing to sign a prenuptial agreement.     If you are concerned about the status of your Islamic marriage then whether or not you are contemplating a separation or starting civil divorce proceedings you should take legal advice on your situation and options. The specialist divorce law team at Manchester divorce solicitors at Evolve Family Law in Whitefield can help you. Call our Whitefield divorce solicitors or complete our online enquiry form.

In the past you could only get a judge to make a family law injunction order if there had been domestic violence involving a trip to the hospital or doctor. Those days are long gone with family judges realising that any form of domestic violence, from serious sexual assault to slap or push, is unacceptable. The law now allows you to apply for a family law injunction order if you are subjected to coercive control and behaviour. In this blog we look at what is meant by coercive control and behaviour. Evolve Family Law solicitors are approachable and friendly, providing expert divorce, children and financial settlement advice, with experience in handling separations or divorces where a partner has been abusive or is narcissistic and controlling.  Contact us today and let us help you. What is Coercive Behaviour? The question ‘what is coercive behaviour?’ is a good one as what one person would describe as coercive and controlling behaviour may be the normal experience of a husband, wife or partner who is so used to such controlling behaviour that they have become immune to it and adapted their life and thought processes around their partner’s behaviour so as not to upset them or to fit in.   It is often only when you see your husband, wife, or partner starting to exercise the same coercive behaviour on your child and you see the impact of that behaviour on your child’s demeanour and personality that you realise that you have got to do something. In other families it takes a close friend or family member to point out that what your partner sees as loving behaviour is actually stifling you and is coercive behaviour.   From a Cheshire divorce and family law solicitor’s perspective coercive behaviour is any act designed to force or coerce you into doing something against your will or that is intended to harm or intimidate you. Acts can include physical threats as well other forms of humiliation or words said by your partner that make you feel as if you are no longer in control of your life or actions.   The government says that coercive and controlling behaviour is an act designed to make you feel subordinate or dependent on your partner and gives examples of: Isolation from friends and family Stopping you from being independent Regulating your behaviour. Examples of Coercive Behaviour It is all very well to be told what the government thinks is coercive behaviour but how does that translate into real life? Below are some examples of real life coercive behaviour: Controlling what you eat and weigh (it may be said that this is for ‘your own good’ to make you attractive but it is still coercive and controlling behaviour) Stopping you from having a shower or bath at times other than stipulated Preventing you from leaving the family home on your own or stopping you from seeing your friends and family Restricting your access to money so you only get an allowance to buy food and have to account for any money spent by you Telling you that you can't pick up the baby or play with the children other than at times allowed Telling you that you can't go online or monitoring your computer and telephone usage Dictating what clothes you should wear (either too modest or too flamboyant for your taste) or saying what make-up you can wear (if any).   Coercion and control doesn’t just happen to women in heterosexual relationships. Women can also coerce and control their male partners or husbands. Coercion and control also occurs in same sex relationships.   If something amounts to coercive and controlling behaviour then it doesn’t matter if you are married, in a civil partnership or cohabiting and living together. It is the act or behaviour that is important rather than the legal status of your family relationship. Recognising Coercive Behaviour Coercive and controlling behaviour can be insidious and hard for you or your friends and family to spot. That is because the coercion can be subtle (for example, ‘you look fat or tarty in that outfit’) or the degree of control can grow slowly over time so you don’t recognise it for what it is (for example, getting you to agree that it is too much hassle to see your mother every week to eventually telling you who you can and can't see).   When you are in a relationship, or you are a close friend or family member, it can be hard to spot or recognise coercive behaviour, often because it is dressed up as ‘only wanting to do what is best’ or because it is said you are so stupid or mentally unwell that your partner or husband or wife knows what is best for you.   Don’t forget that coercion and controlling behaviour doesn’t have to be face to face. Some of the most intimidating coercive behaviour can be carried out by bombarding someone with text messages and phone calls or remotely spying on activities. What can I do about coercive behaviour in my relationship? If you are being subjected to coercion and control in your relationship then you can: Try and get your partner to see his/her behaviour for what it is. This may involve counselling to get to the root cause of the coercive behaviour. In some family situations the nature of the coercive control is such that it is not safe or healthy for you to stay in the relationship and so counselling and trying to stay together may not be a realistic option as you need to leave the family home and separate permanently Separate and start divorce proceedings. If your husband or wife has exercised coercive or controlling behaviour you should be able to start divorce proceedings based on their unreasonable behaviour. Even if you don’t want to start divorce proceedings based on your spouse’s unreasonable behaviour it is still important to tell your divorce solicitor about the behaviour. They can talk to you about your divorce proceedings options, such as starting divorce proceedings on your partner’s new relationship (adultery) Separate and start injunction proceedings. An injunction order is made by the family court. The court can either make a non-molestation or an occupation order to protect you and your children Make a complaint to the police. The Serious Crime Act 2015 created a new criminal offence of controlling or coercive behaviour in intimate or familial relationship’. If your partner is found guilty then in a serious case of coercive behaviour they could be sent to prison for up to five years. What is a non-molestation order? A non-molestation injunction order is a family court order that stops the person who is behaving in a coercive or controlling manner towards you or your child from continuing to do so. What is an occupation order? An occupation injunction order is a family court order that stops the person who is behaving in a coercive or controlling manner towards you or your child from continuing to live at the family home or from re-entering the family home or restricts your partner or spouse from certain rooms in the family home. Breaching an injunction order If your partner or spouse breaches a family court injunction order then it is a contempt of court and a criminal offence. [related_posts] Talking to your divorce and family law solicitor about coercive behaviour If you take the step of deciding to speak to a Cheshire divorce solicitor about your marriage or relationship it is important to tell them about the coercive control. Many people are too embarrassed to talk about their partner or spouse’s behaviour or they decide that their partner’s behaviour isn’t relevant because they don’t want to start divorce proceedings based on unreasonable behaviour or start injunction proceedings.   Even if you don’t want your divorce solicitor to act on the coercive behaviour information you give them, it is still important to tell them about it so that they understand why you may have concerns about your children having contact and why you want a child arrangements order or why you may want a financial settlement that includes a clean break financial court order so there are no ongoing financial ties between you and your husband or wife.   Cheshire divorce solicitors won't judge you or criticise you for not leaving your partner any earlier. However, what they will do is support you during your relationship breakdown, finding the best long term family solutions for you and your family and to do that they need to know about the coercive and controlling behaviour to help you and your family.

For many Jewish women the prospect of getting divorced not only makes them worry about how their children will cope, raises fear for their future financial security but makes them question whether they will end up in limbo, with a civil law decree absolute of divorce from the Manchester divorce court but no religious Get. A new case may bring hope to those worried about securing a Get after their separation and civil divorce.Manchester divorce solicitors If you are divorcing and are worried about securing a Get or about negotiating the childcare arrangements for your children or your divorce financial settlement then the Manchester divorce solicitors at Evolve Family Law in Whitefield can help you. Call us on 0345 222 8 222, complete our online enquiry form or email robin@evolvefamilylaw.co.uk Whitefield based Evolve Family Law solicitors are approachable and friendly, providing pragmatic expert divorce advice, financial settlement solutions and children law resolutions. Call us on 0345 222 8 222 and let the Whitefield divorce solicitors help you.Obtaining a Get The law has tried to help those trapped having secured separation or a civil divorce but unable to move on with their lives because they are not able to secure a religious divorce or Get. In what is being described as a landmark case, a woman has used legislation designed to protect victims of domestic violence to secure her Get. In this blog we look at how she achieved her Get and the alternatives to her course of action.   Obtaining a Get by private prosecution An unnamed women from London obtained her Get after launching a private criminal prosecution against her husband for coercive control.   The case is thought to be the first time that the UK criminal justice system has been used as a means to secure a Get to enable the London woman to be able to remarry according to Jewish law.   If you are wondering about what the judge and jury said, this is a case where the private prosecution of the husband was withdrawn when he agreed to give his wife a Get. That meant his crown court trial didn’t take place and therefore the jury did not have to assess whether the man was guilty or innocent of the law against ‘coercive control’.   The wife used Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 to bring the private prosecution. The 2015 Act created a new offence of coercive or controlling behaviour in an intimate or family relationship. An offence is committed if: A person repeatedly or continuously engages in behaviour towards another person that is controlling or coercive and the two people are personally connected The person committing the behaviour knows or ought to know that their behaviour will have a serious impact and the behaviour does have a serious impact on the person subjected to the behaviour.   To be charged with an offence under the 2015 Act you must have committed controlling or coercive behaviour towards a ‘personally connected’ person. The law says you are personally connected if: You are in an intimate personal relationship or You live together and are family members or You lived together and were in an intimate personal relationship with one another.    Had the husband been found guilty of the criminal charge then he could have faced a maximum sentence of up to five years in prison. That was probably a very powerful motive to agree to give the wife a Get. However, some may argue that the Get was not freely given by the husband as he felt under pressure to provide the Get rather than offering it of his own free will.   Obtaining a Get through injunction proceedings  In the London case a private criminal prosecution was launched but the case is making Manchester divorce solicitors question whether a Jewish woman could apply for a civil or family court order alleging coercive control as a means to try and secure co-operation and the granting of the Get.   Many women assume that they cannot apply for a family court injunction order because their husband has not been violent towards them, or if he has it was ‘just a push or a slap’. The law on domestic violence is clear, domestic abuse includes emotional and psychological abuse as well as coercive and controlling behaviour. In addition, any form of domestic violence is unacceptable.   Accordingly, some women may want to consider if injunction proceedings would help provide leverage to secure their Get, in the same way that the wife used her private criminal prosecution to achieve her goal of freedom and an end to her being in legal limbo.   Obtaining a Get through UK divorce law For a wife who wants to secure a Get but their husband is not co-operating the most widely known legal option is to use Section 10A of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973, amended by the Divorce (Religious Marriages) Act 2002).   Under this legislation either a husband or wife is entitled to apply to the divorce court for an order stopping the decree absolute of divorce from being pronounced until the Get is obtained.   In another recent court case, spousal maintenance law was used as a means to achieve a Get. A Manchester businessman appealed against a financial court order made in divorce court proceedings. The court had ordered him to pay spousal maintenance at the rate of £1,850 a month until he gave his wife a Get.   The husband, Mr Moher, appealed saying it was wrong to order him to pay spousal maintenance until he gave his wife a Get because it introduced compulsion and, under Jewish law, a Get should be given of your own free will. The court of appeal disagreed and upheld the spousal maintenance order.   Talk to your divorce solicitor If you need a Get then it is important that you tell your Manchester divorce solicitor this so that they know, in any negotiations, just how important the Get is to you and to your future happiness.   Once your Manchester divorce solicitor understands that you need the Get to re-marry under Jewish law and to have more children then this should be a priority for them. Even if your husband says he will cooperate and give you a Get or you do not contemplate re-marriage, it is still important to record the agreement on securing a Get in case your husband decides not to co-operate.   Robin Charrot, divorce and financial settlement solicitor at Evolve Family Law based in Whitefield, Manchester says:   ‘’ Obtaining a Get can sometimes be hard work when a husband refuses to cooperate or prevaricates. It is vital that your divorce solicitor understands the importance of the Get to you. I have had solicitors question why it is significant to obtain a Get if a wife has achieved a civil UK law divorce as well as sorted out a child arrangements order and her divorce financial settlement. From my perspective, if a client wants Get it means the difference between a wife being able to get over her divorce and move on with her life feeling positive about her future and feeling trapped and forever controlled by her former husband. That is why the Get is so important and why the London landmark private prosecution will generate a lot of interest in Whitefield and North Manchester. It is another option to explore to secure your Get.’’Manchester Divorce solicitors If you are contemplating a separation or starting civil divorce proceedings but are worried about obtaining a Get then Manchester divorce solicitors at Evolve Family Law in Whitefield can help you. Call the Whitefield divorce solicitor us on 0345 222 8 222, complete our online enquiry form or email robin@evolvefamilylaw.co.uk   Whitefield based Evolve Family Law solicitors are approachable and friendly, providing pragmatic expert divorce, children and financial settlement law advice. Call Evolve Family Law on 0345 222 8 222 and let us help you.Latest From Our Marriage & Divorce Blogs:

Don’t you feel that some days you have just had enough? If your ex-partner, former husband or wife is making your life difficult, if not impossible, over contact with your child then that’s often the stage that Cheshire divorce solicitors are asked the question ‘Can I stop access to my child?’ There are many reasons why you might want to stop access or contact by your child’s other parent and that is why it is best to take legal advice from a Cheshire divorce and children law solicitor before stopping access. Stopping access Stopping access to your child is a big step to take and it is vital that you get it right. The repercussions of getting the decision wrong can be: The child’s other parent applying to court to enforce any existing access or contact order The child’s other parent applying to court and getting a child arrangements order so they have a court order for access to your child Your child blaming you for the decision to stop access and saying that they want to see or even to live with their other parent Your child’s other parent alleging that you have stopped access because of parental alienation (you are trying to alienate and distance your child from their other parent without any justification for doing so).   Whatever the background to your separation or divorce and the reasons why you feel driven to stop access, it often helps to sit down with a Cheshire children solicitor to look at your options and the alternatives to stopping access. Reasons for stopping access There are many reasons why you may want to stop access, such as: Your child says they don’t enjoy their contact visits with their other parent as they are boring and they would rather be at home You feel intimidated when your ex-partner calls to collect or return your child Your ex-partner has stopped paying child support and you don’t think contact should take place if they can't be bothered to provide child support You don’t want your child to see your former husband or wife's new partner during access visits Your ex-partner keeps turning up late or cancels contact visits at the last moment so you don’t know, from one week to the next, whether contact will take place or not The children always return from an access visit all ‘hyper’ and overtired and then can't settle back into their routine with you for days.   Those are just some of the reasons given for wanting to stop contact. It is vital to discuss the reasons to see if there are alternatives, such as: Talking to your former partner about the contact visits to make them more fun for your child, rather than sitting around watching the TV. Those discussions don’t have to take place direct if you don’t think that would work. You could attend a joint meeting with your children law solicitor or use family mediation You could agree that your child is collected from school or from a relative’s home to stop you having to come face to face with your ex-partner at contact collection and return times and so you are not intimidated or upset by the access handovers You could let contact take place but apply to the Child Maintenance Service for child support You could use a solicitor roundtable meeting or family mediation to discuss why you don’t want your child coming into contact with a new partner or the effect of missed contact visits or too much sugar, to see if your former partner will listen to your concerns. As a parent you need to do what is best for your child and, after exploring the alternatives, you may conclude that stopping access is in your child’s best interests. How you should go about that will depend on whether there are any existing children court orders in place. [related_posts] Court orders and stopping access If there is an existing: Residence order Contact or access order Child arrangements order Then you should take legal advice before stopping access to your former partner to your child. That’s because if you don’t take legal advice on the existing children court order you could find yourself responding to enforcement court proceedings. If there is an existing court order in place, such as a contact order or child arrangements order, then you may need to make an application to the family court to vary the existing children court order before you can stop contact. If there is no existing court orders in place you may be able to stop access but it is still best to take legal advice from a specialist Cheshire children law solicitor before doing so. That’s because a children solicitor can talk to you about alternate options and the prospects of your former partner applying to court so they can see your child under a child arrangements order. Sometimes, by stopping access quickly, after a particularly bad incident or trying weekend, it can play into the hands of your former partner and just create more headaches and hassle for you.   Our expert Cheshire children solicitors can look objectively at your options and help you work out what’s the best alternative for you and your children. ​Contact Us Today

It is difficult making the decision to leave a husband, wife or partner. People often think that the decision to separate is easy if you are leaving an abusive partner as  ending the relationship is the ‘obvious’ thing to do. As a Cheshire divorce solicitor witnessing and helping those involved in abusive relationships, I know that it is no easier to leave an abusive partner than it is to leave a caring and kind partner that you have drifted apart from. Any separation or divorce is a painful process but it can be particularly difficult when you are leaving an abusive partner. That’s why it helps if your divorce solicitor has experience of helping others separate from abusive partners.   How do you leave an abusive partner? You may think the answer to the question ‘how do you leave an abusive partner?’ is obvious – you just get up and leave. However Cheshire divorce solicitors who work with people in abusive relationships know that it isn’t as easy as that.   If you are in an abusive relationship it is particularly important to plan your departure to make sure you and your children are safe. Here are our tips on leaving an abusive partner: Get help and support – the support can be from friends, family, your doctor or counsellor, the police, domestic violence agency or other source. Without help you might be tempted to think that your partner has changed and that it is safe to go back or want to go back to the property on your own to pick up extra possessions or to meet your partner to hand the children over for contact; Have an escape plan – if you are leaving a partner it is normal to discuss why the relationship hasn’t worked out and why you are either leaving or want them to go. If you are leaving an abusive partner it may not be safe to have that discussion and you may therefore either need to leave without telling them about your plans or where you are going. You may not have to leave the family home if you can get injunction orders to protect you; Be practical – most people with abusive personalities are wily characters. If you are making phone calls or using the internet or you or the children are posting things on Facebook, think about whether your abusive partner will be able to trace you from those activities. If you are planning on leaving think what you will need to take with you so you don’t have to return to collect essential items. If the children are in school make sure teachers know why you may need to collect the children early or arrange for someone else to do so; Protect yourself – if you are at immediate risk then don’t follow any escape plan but get immediate help from the police. If you are not at immediate risk but are worried about your safety then speak to a Cheshire divorce solicitor about getting emergency injunction orders (called non-molestation and occupation orders) or children orders (called child arrangements orders or prohibited steps orders) to safeguard your children if you are concerned about the risk of child abduction; Take legal advice – ideally you should take legal advice before you leave an abusive partner so that you know where you stand legally and whether, for example, you can make them leave the family home , if you can change the locks or stop contact or get interim financial support; Be strong – you probably think that you are not strong enough to leave or to withstand the pressure from your partner to return or their attempts to find you and exact revenge because you left. An honest Cheshire divorce solicitor will tell you that leaving isn’t the easy option and that you therefore need to be strong to get through leaving an abusive partner and to make sure you have the help and support you need to get through it. Is my partner abusive? You may think that the question ‘Is my partner abusive?’ should have a straight forward answer. However, Cheshire divorce solicitors will tell you that it isn’t uncommon for those leaving abusive relationships to not recognise their partner’s behaviour as abuse. That can be for a variety of reasons such as: They understandably don’t want to be seen as a victim of abuse and so minimise their partner’s behaviour; They have a very narrow view of what amounts to abusive behaviour because they don’t see psychological abuse or coercive and controlling behaviour as abusive; They have been coached into thinking that their partner’s behaviour is normal or that it only occurs because of their unreasonable demands; Their partner isn’t abusive to the children so it must be their behaviour that is at fault and not that of their partner.   Most Cheshire divorce solicitors understand why the abuse isn’t recognised as abuse during the relationship and therefore why it is so hard to recognise the behaviour as abuse when you are separating. After all, if you have been told repeatedly that it is you that is ‘mental’ or the one with the ‘problem’, it is all too easy to get sucked into believing that the abuse is only because your partner cares about you.   The definition of what amounts to abuse in a relationship is very wide. Nowadays courts and divorce lawyers recognise that abuse in a relationship isn’t limited to physical assaults but includes: Verbal and emotional abuse, such as belittling you or telling you that you are mentally unwell or not a fit parent; Financial control, such as withholding money from you so you are reliant on your partner; Intimidation and mind games, such as telling you that they will kill themselves or leave their job so you will end up with nothing but guilt if you leave; Exercising coercion and control, such as not letting you see your family or being unwilling to let you go out to work or to have a bank account in your own name.   There are numerous examples of what amounts to abusive behaviour in a relationship. Sometimes it takes talking to a friend, counsellor or a Cheshire divorce solicitor about your relationship to recognise the behaviour for what it is and to start to acknowledge the physical and emotional impact of your partner’s abusive behaviour on you. Leaving an abusive partner If you are contemplating leaving an abusive partner the number one priority is to make sure that you are safe and are empowered to do so. It is stressful leaving any relationship but if your partner is abusive the physical departure can be a dangerous trigger point unless handled carefully. Just as importantly, if you have been in an abusive relationship for a long time it can be easy to succumb to promises of change or being told that you can't leave because you won't be able to take the children with you or you won't get a penny.   It can feel as if there is no escape from an abusive partner but that isn’t the case. With the right emotional and legal support you can leave an abusive partner safely and rebuild your life. Getting help with an abusive partner When you live with an abusive partner it is hard to reach out and ask for help. That can be down to feelings of embarrassment or because you love your partner and want to stay in the relationship but just want the abuse to stop. Cheshire divorce solicitors find it is often the case that those in abusive relationships are too frightened to speak out and ask for help as they fear what will happen if they do. That is totally understandable as the last thing that you or they want is for your situation to be any worse than it is.   One thing that a solicitor can promise you is that if you seek help from them then what you say is totally confidential. The fact that you have taken advice from a solicitor and the advice information given won't be disclosed to anyone, unless you give your permission to do so.   If you are worried about seeing a divorce solicitor then you are welcome to come to a meeting to discuss leaving an abusive partner with a friend or member of your family. They can help give you the courage to leave, but remember that whilst friends and family can offer emotional and practical support, the decision to leave has to come from you.   If you don’t have friends or family to support you (or would be worried about things getting back to your partner) there are many supportive organisations and charities who are there to help with information and advice as well as individuals , such as your GP or a counsellor , who can support you in your decision to leave your abusive partner. Divorcing an abusive partner If your husband or wife is an abusive partner then a Cheshire divorce solicitor will tell you that you will have the grounds to start divorce proceedings on the basis of unreasonable behaviour. Allegations of unreasonable behaviour don’t have to include physical violence but can also include behaviour such as: Belittling you in front of your family; or Not being willing to let you see your friends; or Criticising your actions and telling you that you are stupid.   If you are dealing with an abusive husband or wife you will need a Cheshire divorce solicitor who can stand up to your partner, make sure that you and your children get the legal protection you need , but who will also ensure that your voice is heard and help you make your own decisions about what you want. Children and leaving an abusive partner It isn’t unusual for Cheshire divorce solicitors to be told that someone has stayed in an abusive relationship for years ‘for the sake of the children’. That can be down to a whole variety of factors, such as: Your abusive partner has told you that they will get custody of the children and they won't let you see the children because they will turn the children against you; You think that you would have to leave the family home and you are worried that this will affect the children ; The children love their other parent and you don’t want them to grow up in a single parent family; The timing to separate isn’t right because of a child’s exams or the start of primary or secondary school.   Cheshire divorce solicitors will tell you that all the research into children and separation and divorce shows that: Children are remarkably resilient; More often than not children know when there is something wrong with their parent’s relationship. Although the children may not have seen any domestic violence or physical assaults, because you have protected them, they can still pick up on the vibe in the household and be emotionally affected by it; Children prefer to live in two households rather than have their parents living together but in an abusive relationship with a toxic atmosphere.   It is natural to feel very anxious about childcare arrangements if you are planning to leave an abusive partner. The first priority is to ensure that you and the children are safe from any domestic violence (or the children witnessing it) so injunction applications can be made to safeguard you and the children. In addition you can apply for a child arrangements order. In an emergency a child arrangements order can be made quickly to protect the children. A child arrangements order can: Say the children should live with you – on a short term or long term basis; Set out if the children should see your partner, and if so, whether the contact visits should take place in a supervised setting (for example at a contact centre or in the presence of a member of your family or a trusted friend) and spell out the safe handover and collection arrangements.   If you and your abusive partner have to go to court to sort out the child care arrangements it is important that: Your husband or wife's abusive behaviour and its impact on you and the children is explained by your solicitor as part of the court process; and The court looks at whether a finding of fact hearing is needed to decide on the domestic abuse allegations before it makes orders under the Children Act.   If a finding of abuse is made then the court should only make a child arrangements order and contact with the abusive parent if the court believes that the physical and emotional safety of you and your children can be protected before, during and after the contact.   Many divorcing partners are adamant that they want their children to see their other parent, notwithstanding the fact that there has been abuse within the relationship. That is because they want their children to have a relationship with both parents. If you are satisfied that the children will be safe during contact then it is then essential to ensure that you are also safe during the handover of the children for contact. For example, you may not want your abusive partner coming to the house to collect the children but would prefer a neutral handover where there is less chance that your partner will ‘kick off’ or say anything that will upset the children.   A specialist Cheshire divorce solicitor can either represent you in court proceedings for a child arrangements order so that your children live with you, or to stop or limit contact or can help you negotiate the parenting arrangements on a short term and long term basis. [related_posts] Leaving an abusive partner and getting a financial settlement It is natural to worry that even if you are safely able to leave an abusive partner that they will make sure that you ‘end up with nothing’. Cheshire divorce solicitors are experts in making sure that not only are you protected from an abusive partner but that you also receive a fair financial settlement and that you are not bullied or coerced into accepting less than you need or are entitled to.   Divorce solicitors can either negotiate with your ex-partner or start financial court proceedings . Whether you negotiate or start court proceedings the important thing is that you have a solicitor on your side making sure you have the information and financial disclosure orders necessary to make financial decisions and that any financial settlement is reality tested to make sure that the financial court order meets your needs and is capable of enforcement if your partner remains difficult and uncooperative.   Abusive partners tend to be bullies and don’t want or like anyone standing up to them. Courts don’t like bullies so whether you are being physically assaulted, emotionally abused or financially controlled there is help available from Cheshire divorce solicitors and the family court, for example help to: Physically protect you – through the making of non-molestation and occupation injunction orders; Financially protect you – through the making of child support, spousal maintenance , property and pension orders and orders to enforce compliance if your abusive partner won't comply with court orders; Protect the family – through child arrangements orders to ensure your children are safe.   Evolve Family Law solicitors are approachable and friendly. We provide the expert divorce, children and financial settlement advice that you need when you are separating from an abusive partner and need someone on your side.  Contact us today and let us help you.

When it comes to pension rights and answering the question ‘do I have to share my pension if I divorce,’ the frustrating response to hear from a Manchester divorce solicitor is that there isn’t a yes or no answer to your pension rights question. In this blog we look at just how complicated it can be to unravel pension rights on divorce and answer some of the common questions that are raised by husbands or wives worried about the thought of having to share their pension on divorce.   Pension and divorce experts Our Manchester divorce solicitors are often told by husbands or wives that their pension can't be shared on the breakdown of their relationship for a whole variety of reasons including: The pension can't be touched until I retire so can't be shared now The pension was started before the marriage The pension is linked to the family business You can't share a final salary pension on divorce The pension isn’t valuable enough to share on divorce My employer won't let me share my work pension on divorce Pensions can't be shared if you are in a civil partnership and not married.   All of those are wrong! If you start off on ‘the wrong foot’ with misinformation about pension rights on divorce it is very easy to either: Believe your pension can't be touched and therefore be unwilling to negotiate on pension rights and divorce Assume that your husband or wife's pension can't be worth much and is incapable of being divided or shared until you both reach retirement age.   To avoid reaching fixed views on pension rights and divorce it is best to take early legal advice from Manchester divorce solicitors and financial advice so you know where you stand legally and financially. Early advice means neither of you should have entrenched pension positions and be more open to negotiating a financial settlement that may or may not involve sharing pensions.   Joint pensions Many husband and wife's assume that their pension is a joint pension with their spouse. A Manchester divorce solicitor or financial advisor will tell you that a pension is only legally owned by one party so technically the pension will belong to you or to your spouse. Even though you may or may not own the pension, on divorce most pensions are capable of being shared so that the non-owning husband or wife gets a share of the pension.   Pensions can be a complex topic as there are so many different types of pension. You may be adamant that your pension is joint with your husband or wife because: You are both shareholders and company directors in a family business and have a pension linked to the business You both set up private pension schemes at the same time You have property or land owned in a pension fund.   No pension is a jointly legally owned asset. Even if you and your spouse both have funds in a SIPP or own a business property within a pension fund you will both have individual shares in the pension pot.   Although pensions are not joint assets because they are not legally owned by both of you they will normally be taken into account in any divorce financial settlement and can be shared or the pension value offset against the value of other family assets. Are pensions ever ignored in divorce financial settlements? In most separations and divorces pensions are not ignored in the divorce financial settlement. That is because the pension is often the most valuable asset after the equity in the family home.   There are a few limited family scenarios where the value of the pension won't feature highly, for example: A young couple with no children A very short marriage with no prior period of cohabitation before marriage and no children A marriage where the husband and wife agreed to ignore the value of pension assets if they separated or divorced by signing a prenuptial agreement or a postnuptial agreement. This is OK if the terms of the prenuptial agreement or postnuptial agreement meets the needs of the husband and wife.   Are pensions always shared equally? Pension assets may not be shared at all, for example, you may agree or the family court may order that one of you gets a bigger share of other assets, such as the equity in the family home or savings.   If you do agree to a pension share or the financial court order includes a pension sharing order then your husband or wife could get a percentage from one to a hundred percent of your pension fund.   The court is more likely to make a financial court order that includes pension sharing where: The value of the pension funds makes it worthwhile to share the pension. If the pension only has a small value then the administrative costs of sharing the pension may not be justified There are sufficient assets to not require one of you to need to receive all or the majority of the equity in the family home to rehouse yourself and to offset the value of the pension.   Even if you and your spouse or the family court orders that a pension is split equally between husband and wife that doesn’t necessarily mean that you will both get the same amount of pension income from your equal share of the pension fund. The pension income differential can be down to age or gender. That is why many Manchester divorce solicitors and family courts prefer to arrange for pensions to be shared to achieve equality of pension income on retirement rather than a straight equal division of the capital value of the pension fund.   How to value a pension in a divorce financial settlement It is often thought by a husband or wife that valuing a pension in divorce and financial settlement proceedings is easy as you can just rely on the annual statement that pension administrators provide. Most of these annual pension statements will include what is said to be the ‘cash transfer value’ of the pension fund.   If the fund value of the pension is accurate then you may think it is a straight forward process to either agree a pension offsetting figure (the amount that one of you will receive for not getting a share of the pension) or agree the percentage of the pension share. However, the cash transfer value of a pension can be wildly inaccurate or misleading. For example, two pensions may both have a cash transfer value of £500,000. You would assume therefore that as both pensions are worth the same amount they will produce the same pension income on retirement. That’s not the case because one pension may be a final salary pension and the other a personal pension or a SIPP.   Getting expert legal advice and actuarial pension advice can be crucial in helping you: Accurately value your pension assets Reach a fair financial settlement.   Can I ring fence my pension and leave it out of the financial settlement? Manchester divorce solicitors are often asked if pensions can be kept out of divorce financial settlements. Even if you both agree to ignore the value of a pension the asset still needs to be disclosed. A husband and wife are under a duty to provide full financial disclosure. Failure to give information about your pension isn’t in your interests. If you do not disclose an asset then any agreement or financial court order could potentially be overturned at a later date because of the lack of full and accurate financial disclosure.   It therefore pays to disclose the existence of all assets, including pensions, even if you and your spouse chose to ignore the value of the pension in your financial settlement negotiations.   Many husband's and wife's struggle with the idea that the value of their pension may not be ignored in the financial settlement, even though: They started the pension before the marriage and all the pension contributions were made prior to the marriage Their pension is in payment Their spouse is in a new relationship and so they don’t think that he/she needs a share of their pension They signed a prenuptial agreement to say that the value of a pension would be ignored.   Whilst all of the above point are very valid, a family court looks at a range of factors when deciding whether or not to make a pension sharing order as part of a financial settlement. For example, the court will look at both a husband's and wife's needs including pension income needs but will also factor in the length of your marriage, your ages and any pre-marriage contributions or wealth and the existence of any prenuptial agreement or postnuptial agreement.     When is a pension shared? Many husband's and wife's are very keen to avoid a financial settlement that includes a pension sharing order because they mistakenly believe that their spouse will continue to receive the benefit of their hard work and ongoing pension contributions and pension growth from the date of the financial settlement until eventual retirement and pension draw down. That isn’t the case.   If you agree to your pension being shared or the court makes a pension sharing order after a contested financial settlement court hearing then: The pension sharing order will be implemented after the pension administrators receive the financial court order, pension sharing order annex and the decree absolute of divorce. The pension administrator has four months from receipt of the relevant paperwork to implement the pension sharing order Once the pension sharing order has been implemented there will be two separate pension pots (assuming there isn’t a one hundred percent pension sharing order) and any future pension contributions made by you after the order has been implemented will be credited against your pension pot and you will get the benefit of all the pension and investment growth in your pension pot In most cases you will be able to decide when to take your pension completely independently of when your former husband or wife choses to retire and get the pension income from their share of the pension. The position is more complicated if your pension pot consists of property and is a Self-invested pension plans (SIPPs) or is a Small self-administered schemes (SSASs). It is also sensible to take detailed advice about the earliest date you will be able to take the pension income as the pension rules may be different for you and your former spouse and it is best to be fully informed before agreeing to a pension sharing order.   [related_posts] Should I pension share or pension offset? The question of whether you should pension share or offset is really down to your priorities. However, if you are not able to reach a financial settlement with your husband or wife by agreement then the decision over whether to pension share or pension offset may be taken out of your hands as a family judge will decide how your assets , including pensions, should be divided.   If you agree to a pension offset then the value of the pension is offset against other assets owned jointly or individually. This may be vital to you if your priority is to stay in the family home or to keep your shareholding in the family business or family farm. Equally, it can be short sighted to ‘put all your eggs in one basket’ and just get equity in the family home rather than a share of your spouse’s pension.   You may think that, in time, you can downsize and get money out of the family home to fund your retirement. However, the cash from the sale of a family home may not generate anywhere near as much in pension income as a share in your spouse’s final salary pension scheme would have.   Alternatively, you may be adamant that you want to keep one hundred percent of your pension because you realise just how valuable your National Health Service, police, fire service or final salary pension is in comparison to the income you could realistically generate from the pension offsetting figure. However, you may benefit from reality testing your plan to keep all your pension and get less or no equity from the family home as that may mean you struggle to rehouse yourself so you are asset poor and pension rich. All very well for the future, but does it mean you will have a tough time of it until your hoped for retirement and is it worth it?   When it comes to pensions and divorce financial settlements there are always choices to be made, from how you value the pension to whether you share or offset the pension. Taking expert legal advice from Manchester divorce solicitors can help you make informed choices, looking at the short and long term needs of you and your family.   Whitefield based Evolve Family Law solicitors are approachable and friendly, providing pragmatic expert divorce, pension and financial settlement solutions. Contact us today and let us help you.

It comes as a surprise to some people but we are regularly asked the question ‘how do I prepare to separate?’ It's good that we're asked, because the earlier you speak to a divorce solicitor about a planned separation the more they can help you reach an informed decision about whether or not to separate and assist you in making your separation as painless as possible. Where to Start with Planning a Separation The obvious place to start if you are thinking about a separation is to talk to your partner but although that seems the sensible thing to do it isn’t always the best approach because: You may want to take legal advice before speaking to your partner as the advice on the potential child custody and financial settlement options may affect either your decision to separate or the timing of your separation; Talking to a counsellor about your relationship difficulties may help you decide what you want to do and whether you want to suggest couple counselling or a trial separation to your partner. Alternatively counselling may confirm your decision that you want to separate or start divorce proceedings; If your partner is abusive, has a history of hiding assets, or you are worried that if you tell your partner that you plan to leave that they may take the children or destroy sentimental precious possessions then in any of those situations talking to your partner about the separation may not be the best approach. If you do decide to speak to your partner about a separation, then it may not come as a complete surprise to them. However, sometimes a partner has no idea about what their husband or wife is planning so they need time to accept your decision before being able to have a constructive discussion with you about the practicalities of your separation. Talking to the Children About Your Planned Separation Knowing when and how best to talk to the children about a planned separation is always a tough decision. Some parents think it is best not to tell the children about a planned separation until they really need to know, for example, if the house goes on the market or until divorce proceedings are started. However, waiting to talk to the children can be more unsettling to the children as they make pick up on the atmosphere in the family home or hear things from grandparents or friends but be too embarrassed or worried to talk to you about the separation.   In an ideal world, both parents should sit down together to talk to children about a separation. Don’t worry that you don’t know all the answers to questions about precise custody and contact arrangements or your future plans.   Practical Steps When Separating Separating from a partner is very emotional but it can help to focus on practicalities such as: The temporary living arrangements – a Manchester divorce solicitor will advise you that you should not leave the family home without first taking legal advice about whether that is the best option in your personal and financial circumstances. You could, for example, ask your partner to leave or potentially may have the grounds to start injunction proceedings if they won't leave voluntarily. If your separation is amicable then it may be possible for you to continue to live together at the family home until you reach a long term financial settlement but whether you are both staying at the family home or one of you is moving into rented accommodation or staying with family, you will need to reach an agreement on temporary financial matters and payment of bills and child support. You should not finalise any decisions about short term or long term financial arrangements until you have taken legal advice; The parenting arrangements – the parenting arrangements for your children will very much depend on whether you are continuing to live together at the family home until you reach decisions about what should happen to the house. Sorting out the long term arrangements for the children may not be practical until you know one another’s housing plans and whether, for example, it will be feasible for mid-week contact to take place; The financial paperwork - A Manchester divorce solicitor will tell you that you can't reach an informed financial settlement with your partner until you both know your up-to-date financial situation. That may involve finding out things like the value of the family home, the amount of the outgoings on the family home, the amount you have in savings or the value of the family business or pension. If you have a financial advisor or accountant they may have some of this information, such as an investment portfolio document or draft family business accounts. Understand Your Separation Options Prior to taking the decision to separate it helps to know what your separation options are and the ways in which you can reach an agreement over custody and parenting arrangements and your financial settlement. [related_posts] When it comes to separation your options are broadly: A trial separation ; A permanent separation. If neither one of you wants to start divorce proceedings you may want to record any agreement reached about the family home , other property and financial support in a separation agreement; Starting divorce proceedings. Within divorce proceedings a court can be asked to make a financial court order to record the terms of any agreed financial settlement or, if you can't reach agreement, the court can decide how your assets and property should be divided and make a financial court order.   It is often assumed that if you go ahead with a separation that you and your partner will end up in court proceedings over custody of the children, who gets the family home or whether you will get a share of your spouse’s pension. However, experienced Manchester divorce solicitors say that you don’t have to end up in court. It is often possible to reach an agreement over the basis for the divorce proceedings, the custody and contact arrangements for the children and the financial settlement through taking legal advice and getting your solicitor to negotiate a parenting plan and financial settlement or advising you about your legal options during family mediation.   Taking advice on your separation can give you some of the information you need to make an informed and supported decision on whether or not to separate and how to best plan for your future.   Whitefield based Evolve Family Law solicitors offer pragmatic expert divorce, children and financial settlement solutions. Contact our expert lawyers today and let us help you.