Navigating the Stages of Grief During Divorce

In this blog, North West family lawyer Louise Halford looks at divorce emotions and explains how an empathetic family law solicitor can help you navigate the stages of grief during divorce.

Separation and divorce can be an emotional rollercoaster. It’s a ride you probably didn’t want to get on with many twists and turns. 

At Evolve Family Law our divorce solicitors understand that as well as needing specialist family law advice to help you on your divorce journey you also require support in navigating the path to life beyond divorce.

If you need help with your divorce or separation phone us or complete our online enquiry form.

Experiencing divorce emotions

Everyone experiences divorce differently. With over 25 years of experience as a family lawyer, Louise Halford has learnt that divorce emotions are not necessarily linked to how long you were married or if you are divorcing with young children. If you have been married for two years your divorce emotions may be just as intense as someone who was married for twenty-plus years – because you are grieving for the years and the children you might have had.

When you are separating your friends and family may try to compare what you are going through with their own experiences or tell you to get a grip because your divorce emotions can’t be compared to a bereavement. However, with a bereavement, you may feel anger and an overwhelming sense of loss but not the same sense of rejection and repudiation. The grief can be just as real as a bereavement, just different.

As specialist family law solicitors, we see a lot of raw divorce emotions. We believe it’s best for people to be honest about their grief and for comparisons not to be made with others – it isn’t a league table and you are entitled to feel the emotions you are experiencing.

The range of divorce emotions 

People can feel:

• Grief and sorrow
• Anger and rage
• Guilt
• Sadness and a sense of loss
• Euphoria and joy 
• Vindication 
• Fear

You may feel all these emotions during your separation and divorce or just some of them. Often emotions can be all mixed up with you feeling euphoric at finally taking the plunge and leaving your ex but fearful about your future.

Emotions can be very jumbled up. For example:

• Experiencing grief because your children won’t have the sort of childhood you envisaged for them
• Feeling guilty that you were the one to end the relationship but feeling glad that you can move on with your life
• Feeling euphoric that you have your final order in the divorce proceedings but sad because of the impact of the separation on your children 
• Feeling vindicated because your suspicions about your ex were right but fearful about what the future may hold for you as a single parent 

Some of our divorce clients are very open about their emotions. They describe the daily rollercoaster of feeling bereft at breakfast and optimistic by one o’clock with tinges of vindication tempered by guilt. Those feelings can be even more complicated when you are trying to help your children or step-children through their emotional processing of parental separation and to sort out post-separation parenting arrangements.

Divorce emotions and children  

The first point to acknowledge is that whether you are a stay-at-home parent of a toddler or living with your adult children in the family home your children can colour your divorce journey. For example:

• Guilt – because you won’t be able to fund a deposit for your adult child to buy their first home or you may have to return to work earlier than anticipated after the birth of a child 
• Fear – because you are worried about the impact of selling the family home on teenage children 
• Anger – as you know your child is upset that they are no longer living with both parents and you can’t see your child as much as you would like as your ex is being difficult

Managing divorce emotions   

Some people manage their grief and divorce emotions by denying they exist and devoting their energy to appearing calm and in control. It can be counterproductive to keep a tight lid on emotions. They can explode into a burst of anger meaning you tell your ex what you really think of their behaviour. That can be unhelpful when trying to co-parent or negotiate a financial settlement.

Others manage their grief by talking to family or friends but this can be wearing for friends or family if they are your sole source of support. They may also offer support that isn’t appropriate for you or the sort of help that may exacerbate your issues. Others may try to take over in the guise of helping but it is your financial settlement, not theirs.

Keeping divorce emotions in check can be important if you are employed but it isn’t realistic to think that your work won’t be affected by what is happening in your personal life. Sometimes letting the HR department know about your separation can help as managers may be more sympathetic if they know you have separated. That’s because employers perceive divorce as a temporary problem resulting in a short-term dip in performance rather than an unexplained and potential long-term issue. Also, some employers offer paid for counselling.

Getting some help to manage divorce grief and emotions 

A divorce solicitor isn’t a counsellor or therapist but you should not hide how you feel from your lawyer. They need to know this so they can provide the support you need. This could range from suggesting you meet with a specialist counsellor, see your GP or delay starting family mediation until you are ‘in a better place’ to negotiate a financial settlement.  Alternatively, you may need more practical help, such as a recommendation for an empathetic mortgage advisor or financial advisor to fully explore and explain your mortgage or financial options or advice on applying for an injunction order or a child arrangement order if your emotions are down to your ex-partner continuing to harass you or due to their behaviour around the children.

Divorce emotions don’t cut off after six weeks or even a year. You may be a sudden rush of emotion when you thought you were over the worst. Telling your solicitor how you feel is important so they don’t mistake your emotional state as being willing to do a deal at a financial dispute resolution hearing when the reality is that you are feeling overwhelmed and unable to make decisions.

At Evolve Family Law all our solicitors are empathetic to your situation and are here to listen and help.

If you need help with your divorce or separation phone us or complete our online enquiry form.